Why take the pills?

I am getting sick and tired of having to tire myself to the tether of pills, to have to take pills every day, pills that deaden my emotions.  That take some of the vividness out of the world and the power of my emotions away. Even if the vividness might be on the darker side, anything is better then feeling numb and lifeless inside.  To feel like you have been mummified and are just making the motions to move through the day, to be like a spectator to your own life. Instead I have been recently left with the desire to brake those bonds to no longer have to be tethered to such things, to instead be normal, to no longer have to take pills. To no longer have to deal with side affects like feeling sort of sedated to have my mind and my thoughts slowed down to no longer have to feel slow and dimwitted. To not have to deal with my mind freezing up at times and being left looking like a fool as you stand there in the middle of explaining something left frozen half way threw a thought because your mind has frozen up.  I desire to be freed of the chemical cage that the pills represent.

Why Was I Made This Way

I would like to start off by saying that I know with every fiber of my being that God is a part of my life and that he has never left my side and that he never will, of that I have no doubt.

I however wonder though what I have done to diserve to be made to be be gay, and that no amount of praying has or ever will change that.  Leaving me to admit deffet and giving up on that change.  A song played over the radio at work the other day, that reminded me of the time in my life when I finaly had to admit failure on my part on being able to change that part of me.  To have to admit that I was not good enough to change that part of me.  That no matter how much I tired and I prayed that I was just not good enogh to be able to change that.  I often wounder what I did and what I have done to doserve to be made gay.

Then there is being made to be bipolar, what did I do to deserve this? To diserve to have a surious mental ilness that requires me to take medication for the rest of my life, or to if I don't to drive those around me away and hurt those that mean the most to me while my life goes out control.  It seems that nothing I can do will change that, and I feel like there must be something that I have done on this world to diserve such a thing, and that it must be so bad that there is no way that I can ever be forgiven for it.

So I am left woundering what is it that I have done that is so bad, so absolutly wrong that I have been made the way that I have been made.

Sex!

So today I would like to talk about something that might make some people uncomfortable  and is not something that I find the most comfortable topic in the world myself ether, and that topic quite frankly is sex, and sexuality. Yeah that topic that is only supposed to be talked about behind closed doors in whispered voices, not in a forum that is public, even if it is one that to a certain extent is anonymous at the same time. (even though nothing in life even the web is one hundred percent anonymous) However I feel that there is enough anonymity in this particular forum to talk about such a thing and how it pertains to life and especially to myself personally, in an open and honest manor. So with out further adieu I will get started right after the jump.

Relationship, How Long Has It Been?

So recently I realsed that it has now been over two years since my last relationship ended and that in that time I have been in nothing close to a relationahip.  Matter of fact in that two years I have only gone on two dates! I knew that it had been a while since I had been in a relationahip but it did come as a  shock to realise that it had been that long, to tell the truth I think that it is the longest that I have gone since I came out without being in any type of relqtionship.  in that time I can't say that I have not been lonely becuase there have been many times that I have been quiet lonely, yet at the same time I have had no will to actualy seek out a relationship let alone a date.

Sunday book review: An Unconventional Courtship

So this weeks post is going to be shorter then normal because the power supply on my computer gave out, and I am writing this on my tablet. This week I would like to write my review on An Unconventional Courthship, by Scotty Cade. Read more after the jump.

Sunday Book Review, Knockdown By Sarah Graves

So this Sunday we are going to have a change of gears away from romances, that I have read in the past, to a mystery that I have just finished reading.  I just finished reading Knockdown: A Home Repair Is Homicide Mystery, by Sarah Graves, which is part of her home repair is homicide series of books. Even though I only have read a few of them, I have to admit that I am quite hocked on the series, which wraps home repair information seamlessly into the plot as well as giving small tips under the chapter number for each chapter. I know that it may sound quite odd but it really is very good.

Sunday Book Review, Color Of Grace

So it is time once again for another Sunday book review, and keeping with the romance novel kick (after all every one has to have their guilty pleasures in life, this being one of the better ones that someone can have) that I have been/was on for the time that I dropped off the face of the blogging world, today I will be reviewing Color Of Grace by A.M. Arthur. Who on a side note is an author that I am quite enamored with. I have come to quite enjoy her writing style and the complexity of her story lines as well as her characters. She leaves me looking forward to reading her next book.



Once again A.M. Arthur creates a engrossing read,

Sunday Book Review, Cost Of Repairs

I know that it has been a long time since I have posted any thing, in part because I have pretty much dropped off the radar and have not even really been keeping up with any of the things that I have a passion for, sort of reading books.  Which is why I would like to try to make Sunday book reviews something of a semi regular thing, and I sincerely hope that it is something that you my readers enjoy.  On that note today I would like to review on of those books, Cost Of Repairs, By A.M. Arthur. I have been on a Romance novel kick as of late and Cost Of Repairs, is a romance, which also happens to be a gay romance.

My Photography

Bridge at Deception Pass, Washingtion

It has been a while since I have posted anything, for myriad from not being inspired to now that I am on a bit of a down word trajectory in my moods and I have just lost interest in most everything that I find passion in and that I care about and find fun in life.  So I thought that I would try to pick up my sprites and remind my self of something that I have a passion about by sharing some of my photographs even though it has been quite some time now since I have had the chance to go out with my camera and shoot anything.  So with out further delay here are some of my photos that I would like to share with you right after the the jump.

Word Verification.

As some of you will soon start noticing I have started to use word verification in order for comments to be posted, unfortunately I had a spat of spam comments occur and I don't want to have to waist my time removing spam comments. So to help and combat the problem I have been forced to intorduce word verification into the commenting procsses.  I hope that doing so dose not discurage you guys (my readers) from posting your comments as I truly do value getting to hear your prospectives on things and talk with all of you.

Untill next time dear readers.