A North West View

Trip To See Right To Love: An American Family & Other News

2012-02-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

So I just got back from my trip to see the showing of A Right To Love: An American Dream, I want to do a quick review, although one that dose not really give anything away about the film. That and I want to share about the trip as well and throw my own commentary in behind some current events that I have not had the time to write about ether because I was busy preparing to take my trip of I was on the trip.

I took Friday and Saturday off to see the showing in Eugene, OR, I made the roughly 370mile trip (about 6 hour) drive down there, which I actually really liked, I find that I really do like driving places even long trips then Flying or even taking the train. It was actually a nice drive even if on the drive down I had rain from about Olympia the rest of the way down. The hotel that I stayed at was very nice, and it was nice to chilax in the room, when I was not out and about doing my darnedest to get acquainted with the area, which I can honestly say is not the easiest to navigate. Matter of fact in my opinion it makes Seattle seem like a down right logical straightforward place to navigate, but that is why I have GPS so that even if I do get a little turned around I at least always know right where I am.

So of course as I have said I went to see the showing of Right To Love An American Family, I don't want to give anything away for those that have no had the privilege of seeing it, but I will say that is is very beautiful and moving, You will recognise a lot of the footage from Jay and Bryan's Gay Family Values channel, but somehow the way that it is all put together with everything else in the film and the music just make it even more moving, which is breathtaking amazing. It hits on so many emotional notes yet it still leaves you with a since of hope and felling like you do have the power to make difference whether it be threw political camping or simply talking to others around you about equality is so important to you. I would highly recommend that if you have the chance to see this film that you jump at it, even to recommend it to any film festivals near you that they show it too. It was also amazing to meet Jay, Bryan and their family in person, not only that but so many other Youtubers as well, it made for a very exciting and extremely memorable evening that really words fail me at being able to express.

Being late to the party on this the legislature did pass the marriage equality bill, on wednesday, the day after prop 8 was once again declared unconstitutional by the 9th circuit court of appeals. Now this Monday Governor Gregoire is supposed to sign the bill into law, at which point the opponents will have until June 6th when (90days after the end of the legislative session) to gather 120K + signatures of registered voters to try to get a Referendum on the law.

No for the supper fun news you will never guess who is supposed to visit the state on Monday to do some campaign, and by visit the state it really means visit the state capital, (Olympia) non other then Rick Santorum, who is going to be visiting on Monday with from what has been said plans to hold a public event that evening after meeting with lawmakers that afternoon. Of all days for him to decide to come to the state and most specifically the state capital it just has to be the day that the gay marriage bill is signed. I have no doubt that he already has quite a few nasty lines prepared about it.

Honestly the outside funded anti equality groups making a very vocal stink about this law and have already raised a massive amount of money to not only mount a petition dry to get the issue on the November ballot, but to also mount a campaign against it too. At this point as exciting as it is that the law is going to be signed there is very little doubt that they will be able to get the required number of signatures to get this on the November ballot, the big question is if the polls well poll that was conducted last year by U.W. that if put before voters they will vote to keep the law in which 55% answered that they would, but the scary part is that when asked if they supported gay marriage only 43% polled responded as supporting it, with another 22% saying they supported something with all the rights but not marriage it's self. With another 38% saying they would vote to reject it. The thing is that polls are only so useful as they are hypothetical and when this poll was taken it was purely hypothetical as it was taken back in October. (2011)

Not only can it be put on a referendum which openest are just waiting to officially start the process (they have to wait for it to be signed) but there is already under way and filled an Initiative to over turn the law by rewriting state law to read One Man and One women instead of the current wording which is "a civil contract between a male and a female" in affect the initiative would once again make same sex marriage. For the Initiative route they would need over 200K signature, but they have already got it under way, and they would have until July 6th to get it onto the November ballot. So there are two very distinct fronts to worry about, and especially if the referendum for some reason falls short then the Initiative would become even more concerning because then the law would go into effect on June 6th and marriages could take place but the law could be changed at the ballot box in November. And given the public opinion, which is still a majority not supporting gay marriage, they MAY be willing to uphold a law when asked if to or not, but that dose not mean that they will not vote a new law in to over turn/ride a marriage equality law.

I sincerely hope that Equality Washington has learned from what has happened in past campaigns like Prop 8, and that they have some better and more affective adds to counter the anti equality playbook, which seems to work very well at scaring people with their adds. Because unlike last time with R71 where it was domestic partnerships, and the argument that this is not marriage could be used and was in some of the adds, this time unlike R71 which also opened up domestic partnerships to the elderly to protect them from losing benefits from passed husbands/wives when they are with another person but needed some level of state recognition of their relationship, which was a very big part of the add campaign. Matter of fact there was really only one add that featured a gay couple talking about why expanded domestic partnerships where important, they had a couple of ones with straight parents talking about why it was important for their adult gay kids, the main add was an older couple talking about how they DID NOT SUPORT GAY RIGHTS OR MARRIGE but that the law benefited them so to not support it hurt the elderly.

Unfortunately there will be no way to actually tell until the dust has all settled and that is not a very settling thought, as much as some want to think that because of the results of one poll that game is already in the bag, there is absolutely no guarantee when it comes to the outcome. As always thank you for fallwoing me and I will talk to you again soon, untill then stay safe, and have fun.

Faith Struggles, And Being The Public Menace.

2012-02-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

There is a reason that I sort of suddenly dropped out of the picture when it came to the updates on the fight for marriage equality in my state (Washington) which by the way is scheduled to have a committee vote on the legislation, that that state Senate passed last week, this Monday with it coming to a floor vote before the whole house possibly latter in the week. However it is not due to a lack of keen interest and desire to see said legislation implemented into law, but my utter drop off in commentary has much more to do with being sick and tired of reading the articles and especially the comment sections of the article on this issue. As for the articles it always seems that they have to include the usual handful of rabidly anti marriage equality commentators, and well we all know what they have to say on the issue.

Then of course there are the paper comment sections which seem to draw the attention and wrath of the anti marriage equality crowed like moths drawn to a porch light at night. where they not only proceed to spew their wrath but where the utter lack of any willingness to even listen to basic facts too. Which just seems to make me so angry and upset.

I am just sick and tired of having to wade threw pages of both "news" and commentary where I (well not me personally) am called abnormal, not normal, broken, a monster, a sinner, told that for simply even trying to be me I shale burn in hell for eternity. Let alone that I am a sign of national moral decay, a threat to the very fabric of morals but also to the very fabric of the family. That somehow my mere existence is threat enough let alone the possibility of having equal rights, that not only do they have to eradicate that but they have to pray to god to keep it from being and to stop the "curse" that is gays and gay rights, but don't worry We don't "hate you" your just and evil vial thing that should never see the light of day.

It just rips open old in many cases hardly scabbed over wounds for me and then shoves oceans full of salt into them. As a part of me still takes these things that I had beat into my self when I was younger and still struggling with the fact that I was gay and actively fighting (for my life) not to be gay, and takes them in on some level as true while the rest of me is fighting these lies, and it just makes me so upset and angry. It makes me so upset because it is not true, and I know not only logically but some where deep down in my hart and soul that it is not true. However what makes it so much harder is that many of these people use my own faith against me and it just makes it all that much more confusing. It makes it so confusing when I can see in black and white what they are saying and that it is written, but at the same time I know in my hart that I am the way that god created me to be, that I was intended to be gay from the very start, and that it was something that I had no choice in. That it was a very integral basic part of me that god chose for me, and that he chose for me, even though it would not lead down an easy path, yet it is not something that I can easily point to this passage or that passage or even passages in the bible to show others. It is just threw deep meditation and prayer that I came to understand this.

Yet I still find my self fighting bouts of uncertainty and doubt about what as best I can describe it god has told me, although with out the direct speaking that some claim to revise. it makes me worry and fear that maybe they are right and that I have been tricked into thinking that it is god that has brought about this understanding and euphony and instead it is the influences of evil that have done so. I know many will think that I am foolish not only for having these sorts of concerns but that I am also foolish for even still having faith and believing at all. Which only seems to make things more complicated and difficult as it seems the faith community is ill prepared to deal with this and the LGBT community see any religious belief as a threat and there for I am to them also an horrible evil person that should not see the light of day either because I struggle with my faith but hold onto it because it is so very important to me! Which only helps to make me feel like an even more confused misfit.

I don't want to end on a down not however because things still look good by a long shot, matter of fact I am very much looking forward to the little trip I am taking the Eugene Oregon for the showing of Depfox's film The Right To Love: An American Family, which I am very excited about, matter of fact I have already gotten the car all cleaned and ready for the trip and have the list of what I need to remember to bring with me typed up and ready to print off. That will be fun and I hope to be making at least a quick YouTube video tomorrow as not only a quick update on how I'm doing but to share how excited I am, and some of the prep for my little trip. (its like a 6 and a half hour drive maybe 7 depending on traffic, so not bad at all, especially when compared to driving cross country)

One Vote Away And Microsoft Endorses!

2012-01-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

Well we are just one vote away from marriage equality in Washington, with the announcement by state Senator Jim Kastama of his support of the legislation, that leaves us with 24 of the 25 votes needed to pass SB6239. Not only are we now one vote away but today Microsoft officially came out in support of the bill as well, and posted a very well written persuasive and eloquent (for a corperate blog) expression of support. Which as has been mention in a previous post has been a key in garnishing the final needed votes to pass equality legislation. Of course still being one vote away success can not be taken for granted simply for the fact that until that one vote is locked in the line could come down one vote short for us too, but there is much reason to be optimistic and bask in this little victory.

Gaining Weight, & Emotional Eating

2012-01-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

It seems as much as I would like to lose weight I keep undermining those goals lately as I seem to be emotional eating up a storm, which of course has me again starting to gain weight and pack on the fat. Which really only makes me feel that much more worse because it is not what I want. I at the very least want/ed to get back to the weight I was before (my last nasty bought of depression) which was 195lbs and was still over my ideal weight. Of course not only is this a problem of its own but it is also an outward sign of emotional distress with in.

While I do have things in my life that are going well and things that I am looking forward to very much and am very excited about, like going to the Eugene Oregon showing of The Right To Love: An American Family, which I am really excited about, I have just a lot of stuff going on that is just starting to ware on me and possibly starting to drag me down a little. Of course now I have to reschedule my Psychiatrist appointment another 2-3 weeks out because I have to fill in for a coworker who is going on vacation.

I have been having quite a bit of trouble sleeping as of late, which has lead me to buy some Advil PM today to try and hopefully get my first full nights sleep in a quite a long time as that is something that is definitely becoming more and more detrimental as it goes on longer and longer. not only have I been having trouble getting to sleep I have been having trouble not waking up to early, nor has my sleep been that restful ether as it seems to keep getting disturbed by dreams even though I can't quite remember them I am aware that they have happened. I know that the dreams seem to be emotionally exhausting and leave me waking up not only emotionally but mentally and even physically worn out, which just makes it that much harder to get threw the day.

Lately I keep seeming not only to be reliving mentally, and in my memory events/things that I really don't want to relive, yet when I am emotionally it feels just like it is the reality of the hear and now when it is not. It takes quite a bit of effort to then bring myself back to the hear and now and try to reassure my self that it was just a memory, what is even worse though are the mentally fabricated events that feed off of the memories and not only blend the past but also the future together and are the ones that are the most upsetting. I don't want to keep reliving and experiencing such emotionally upsetting things, but I am also very deeply afraid of them happening again too.

I am so upset by them that I don't really even want to say quite what it is that is bothering me especially out loud as I feel so much like no one else would really understand. But I also worry that not letting it out to anyone is also a recipe for disaster, so I guess I will just say that I am once again being haunted not only be actual memories (and the very strong emotions that go along with them) but mental fictional constructions of my hospitalization in the hospitals mental health unit, during my last very bad bout of depression. Not only that but I severely fear that somehow its waiting like a crouching tiger waiting to pounce on me when I least expect. Even Though I know logically it dose not make since, emotionally it feels so very true and very real.

Just 2 Votes Needed

2012-01-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

Only 2 yes votes are needed in the Washington state Senate for the marriage equality legislation that was introduced this week with 23 signatures to pass. The senate is the key roadblock to the passage of the legislation as identical legislation was introduced into the State House, with 50 signatures which is enough votes to pass the legislation in the House. Things are so close yet still so far away, there is still a small pool of officially undecided/committed senators that could swing the vote into our favor, those senators are Senator Andy Hill, R-Redmond; Senator Joe Fain, R-Auburn; Senator Mary Margaret Haugen, D-Camano Island; Senator Jim Kastama, D-Puyallup; Senator Paull Shin, D-Edmonds and Senator Brian Hatfield, D-Raymond. Then there is Senator Doug Ericksen, R-Ferndale. These are the people that we have to try to sway into our favor.

The first hearing is set to be held on January 23 (this upcoming Monday) with anti equality groups saying that they expect to draw thousands of people to the state capital to oppose the legislation. Not only that but those pushing for marriage equality have yet to obtain a very important peace of support, that of Microsoft. As in 2005 when it was neutral on gay rights legislation the legislation failed but when the fallowing year it introduced it (and all other equality legislation that fallowed) the legislation passed, but as of yet Microsoft has yet to come out with a position. Company officials have told reporters that they are reviewing the legislation before they come to a decision, and politicians say that they are working closely with Microsoft and other companies to garnish more support then they already do from the corporate arena.

An initiative has also been filled with the state attorney general by Stephen Pidgeon who is an attorney from Everett (WA) that worked previously with the gropes behind Ref 71 in 2009 to unsuccessfully try to overturn the states expansion of Domestic Partnerships. He has filled a petition to "clarify the definition of marriage" and by clarify they mean change the states legal definition of marriage from "a civil contract between a male and a female" to "between on man and one woman" but in order to even get on the November ballot him and his supporters have to gather 241,153 valid signatures of registered voters by July 6th.

So right now things are close but they are by no means guaranteed, the challenge is not only to gain the support of Microsoft which has been a key step in the past to help along the path to pro-LGBT-equality legislation passage, but to also sway the votes of politicians who have in the past voted against gay rights legislation/and or have friends and constituents on both sides of the fence and are worried about what a yes (or no) vote is going to do to them, in their personal lives and in their political careers. So if you live in Washington state, especially if you are represented by these unsure politicians one of the most productive things that you can do is to write or call them and let them know that you want them to vote for equality, and to have your friends your family and your coworkers do the same.

Until next time fingers crossed and hopefully things will sway further into our direction and Washington state will become the 7th state to legalize same sex marriage.

Marriage Equality Is Tantalizingly Close In Washington (State)

2012-01-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

So as promised another update on the progress of the possible legalization of same-sex marriage in Washington state by the state legislature. There is no really question that the state house will vote in favor of the bill to legalise same-sex marriage as it has passed similar legislation in the past, not to mention that it is made up of 55 democratically held seats and 42 republican held seats (and one currently empty seat) the current sticking point is the state Senate which is comprised of 27 democrats and 22 republicans.

The issue is that to pass the senate they need 25 votes, right now they have only have 22 firm yes votes which is good as it is 22-18 in favor of equality. Matter of fact two of those firm yes votes are state republicans, Senator Steve Litzwo, from the 41st district (Mercer Island) and Senator Cherly Pflug, from the 5th district (Maple Valley) are in the firmly for marriage equality camp, with Senator Cherly Pflug saying " I don't feel diminished when another human being is allowed to exercise the same rights that I enjoy"..."I would feel diminished if I voted to deny others the right to exercise those same rights and freedoms"

This now leaves us with the Senators who have not quite committed to one side or the other, of those there is Democratic Senator; Senator Rosemary McAuliffe, from the 1st district (Bothell) she has indicated that she is likely to vote for the bill but is not willing to commit herself yet. Then we have Democratic Senator Brian Hatfield, from the 19th district (Raymond) as well as Democratic Senator Jim Kastama, from the 25th district (Puyallup) and rounded out by Democratic Senator Paull Shin, From the 21st district. (Edmonds) There are also two Republican Senators who have not committed one way or another on how they will vote on the up coming marriage equality bill, those are Senator Joe Fain, from the 47th district (Auburn) and Senator Andy Hill From the 45th district (Redmond) both come from suburban districts and both also happen to be freshmen senators. They both claim to be talking it over with their constituents.

Then there is Democratic Senator Mary Margaret Haugen, from the 10th district (Camano Island) has stated that she will not vote for any bill that dose not have a provision for the voters to vote on it, which in since sources very close to the bill (openly gay Seattle Democratic Senator Ed Murray) have stated that it will not have such a provision in it, she can be counted as a no vote. (unless she has a change of hart at the last moment)

So a quick rundown is that among the 18 firm no votes are 2 democrats, among the 22 firm yes votes are 2 republicans, among the undecided are 1 strongly support leaning democrat, 3 undecided democrats, and 2 undecided republicans, and one non official no vote democrat due to her not being willing to vote for the bill minus a public vote clause that it is not in it. All we need for the bill to pass if to pick up is 3 yes votes in order for the bill to pass.

Not only is there a strong push to get this bill passed now just in case it winds up being dragged into a referendum because so that it would wind up falling during the November election, but there is another reason. With Governor Gregoire not running for a third term. (as she announced back in June of last year) Right now with the only declared democrat US Representative Jay Inslee and the declared republican candidate State Attorney General Rob McKenna and Pastor Shahram Hadian, with Mckenna being the most likely to be the one actually making it to the election. The worry is that Mckenna could win, and he has already voiced his opposition to same-sex marriage equality, and he could win, he has been voted into the office, he has served two terms as State Attorney General with him receiving 59% of the vote during his last election in 2008. He has the advantage of not quite being perceived as a hardcore republican (although his decision to drag the state into the federal lawsuit over Obama health care reform bill did ruffle quite a few feathers) and has enjoyed support among republicans independents and democrats in the past, me being one of them during his reelection to the job of Attorney General in 2008.

The other concern about Mckenna running is that the last gubernatorial race was a close one with Gregoire berly edging out Dino Rossie who was seen a quite a hardcore republican, and it is not unheard of for Washington state to have a republican governor with the last one being John D Spellman who held the position from 1981-1985 (fallowed by a string of 4 democratic governors)

Writing My State Lawmakers.

2012-01-08T15:29:00.000-08:00

In light of the amazing news that Governor Chris Gregoire is not only supporting legislation for the legalization of same sex marriage in my state of Washington, but that she will actually be introducing the legislation to the legislature some time this week, after it starts it's new legislative session on Monday. (legislation that she and legislative leaders have been working on) I have decided to write to my law makers and I thought that I would share what I have written with all of you. I spent the time to type out what I wanted to say so that when I hand write it, (I am becoming of the firm opinion that a handwritten letter crays so much more weight and power with it then say an email) it will be the best that I can be.

So I guess I will start with the letter I wrote the Governor Gregoire to express my thanks and support.

Dear Governor Gregoire

I am writing you to express my hart felt appreciation, and steadfast support for your efforts on LGBT rights in our great state, especially now in the light of your new efforts bring-about full marriage equality, threw your submission of marriage equality legislation to the legislature.

This is a fight that is very near and dear to my hart as a gay citizen of this great state. I have so much respect for the journey that has brought you to this point. This is so deep important to me because it has played such a big roll in my own continuing journey to a point of self acceptance. As marriage has always played such a big roll in what I want out of my life, that the inability to achieve that goal, which of me goes hand in hand with starting a family has caused me much pain and emotional and mental turmoil. It is only very recently that I have been able to start seeing that I could at-least bring about one of my deepest desires in this life of having a family, and now the promise of the ability to get married is with in reach too, thanks to your actions. The promise that I will no longer be some separate faction of society.

This is something that even thought I still struggle, very much so at times, with accepting my self, and coming to a place of peace and acceptance about what it is that I want for my self and my life, brings another ray of sunshine and hope onto that path. A path that like you I have been walking for quite some time, even if for me at 24 the start of the journey to acceptance has been a very recent development, that is only in its infancy, the prospect of being able to when fate brings me and the right man together be able to get married to one another is such a big one for me, that I can’t even adequately put it into words. Once again I thank you so deeply for your support on such an important, life impacting and changing matter.

Sincerely
my signature

And this is the one to my 2 representatives and my state senator.

Dear
As a constituent I am writing you to urge you to stand with Governor Gregoire in support of civil gay marriage in Washington state, to do your part to help to make the great state of Washington the seventh State in the country to legalize same sex marriage, and remove gay citizens like me form a second class citizenship in the very state that I so proudly call home, where a separate “but equal” system of marriage laws have been set up for our states LGBT citizens, and history clearly shows that separate is never actually equal.

It is time to take these bold legislative steps to bring about equality in our state, as recent polls show that the majority of voters 55% support the legislature extending marriage rights to the LGBT community, and would in fact vote to protect such legislation like they did in back in 2009 with Referendum 71 and the vote on the legislatures expansion of domestic partnerships. It is clear that the citizens of Washington are ready for as the Governor has said “Religions can decide what they want to do, but the state cannot be in the business of discrimination”

I ask that you join me in my support the gay marriage legislation, legislation that is supposed to be introduced within the week, and is supported by Governor Gregoire. I ask that you vote to bring said legislation into law.

Sincerely
My Signature

I am quite optimistic, as from all political angles it looks as if they only have to flip a very few votes in the state senate as they have more then enough for it to pass the state house, and sources close to the drafting of the bill have said that this bill dose not have a referendum clause, so unless there is a citizen petition to have the law put up for a "veto vote" (referindum) constitutional 90day window it would not go up to a public vote. Which as per Washingtion state code nicly alway an "Aprove" vote to keep the law or "regect" vote to regect it, no matter what the position of the people bringing the petition is. (so unlike CA with prop 8, it is always aprove to keep the law and regect to regect it, so no confusion there for the voteing public)

I will do my darnedst to keep a close eye on the goings on and keep all of you (my fallowers) posted as well as braking things down and explaing things to those of my fallowers that are out of state so that every one can stay in the loop of understanding.

Governor To Announce Support For Gay marriage

2012-01-03T21:35:00.001-08:00

I was presently surprised to see an braking news email from he Seattle Times pop up in my inbox on my cellphone with the need that at a 11am news conference on Wednesday that governor Chris Gregoire is expected to announce support for gay marriage, which will be the first time she has formerly supported it, although she has been a steadfast supporter of gay rights, in the state.

This comes in light of the grass roots efforts of Equality Washington to pressure the State legislation to pass a gay marriage law in 2012, this news conference takes place just before the start of the next legislative session starting on Monday. I don't know how much motion can be expected to be made on this issue during that session, which runs threw march 8th, in part because the legislature has to plug another 1.5 billion shortfall in the state budget which I for see being a nasty battle as there really is no "fat" left to trim let alone muscle, but that is beside the point.

The goal is that given current polling trends in Washington, the hope is that if it gets passed soon, the goal is before the elections, as it's just about certain that one of two things will happen.
One the state legislature will draft the law battle it out and then Olympia will chicken out when it comes to the final vote and kick it to the state voters as a referendum to decide to pass it or not. (Like they did a few years ago with a gas tax increase)

The second (more likely) the legislature will pass the law and then the governor will sign it. At which point a anti gay marriage group will start up a petition to have the law placed as a referendum on the ballot for the voters to vote the law into the books or not.

What Equality Washington is banking on is the fact that last year random polling found that 2/3 of the state supports equal marital rights under the law with it bravely split in favor of marriage, and the hope is that with a little outreach those supportive but on the fence when it comes to the word marriage itself they can be nudged to marriage supporters. Not to mention there being a very recent record of gay rights support at the ballot box (more accurately mailbox) in the form of R71 in 2008 where voters voted to approve the states "every thing but the word marriage" expansion of domestic partnerships

In Washington gaining marriage equality is essayer then it is in other stated because Washington's DOMAIN law is just that a law not a constitutional ban like many other states, so all that it takes to change the law is the same simple process and simple majority vote that it takes pass a new tragic law.

Of course the ultimate hope is that it will get out on the ballot for the 2012 presidential elections, in no small part because like back in 08 the strong liberal base in Washington will be motivated and mobilize when their ballots finally arrive in the mail, and thus a strong pro gay voter base will be taking part in the election. The hoped outcome is that the voters will approve marriage equality, which would ultimately make it almost impossible to over turn, as "the people" would have spoken.

Quick update

2011-12-20T23:50:00.000-08:00

So I am not going to quite be able to do much in depth blogging here soon, as tomorrow my Grandparents come to visit for a while and they will be staying in my room (and I feel quite awkward trying to blog when another person might be able to see what I am writing before I have had a chance to finish it) that and it's crunch time to get ready for Christmas and goodness knows I still need to find boxes and get things wrapped! Now add to that fun that I now have to make an appointment some time after Christmas to have about $1100 of work done on my car because I avoided hitting the idiot that decided they need to drive partway in their lane part way in mine and drove me into the wall on the shoulder, scratching my finder totally shredding the trim strip on both passenger side doors and putting a small dent in the leading edge of the rear passenger door, so now not only do I have to take that money out of my savings I have to go with out my car for 4days at some point and barrow one of my parents car or get rids from them so that I can get to and from work. I try to remind my self it was better then colliding but it's just more stress and shit that I have to deal with, when I am getting worn down not only by the holidays (I hate forced jolliness) and work (retail this time of year=hell on earth) but also extremely tired of dealing with all the mental shit going on in my life. I am just starting to feel a little like the freaking camel that is one straw away from a broken back, I have enough shit going on just trying to repair my self with out the added crap that keeps getting piled on.

I will try to find some time to blog, but if I do they will most likely be very short ones that I can write on my cell phone and send by email to be published.

Could This Be Some Sort Of Light Shedding Moment?

2011-12-18T00:12:00.000-08:00

I have been wondering lately about what increasing seems to be an intertwined relationship between so many of the issues that I have and the things that cause me to have such a hatred towards my self, that I now wounder if they might has some intertwined and related cause/root that lies beneath them. I am beginning to wounder if I might not have uncovered a clue to them in the combination of my different blog post and even more so in the recent journaling that I have taken up doing, especially considering that I conjunction with that I have been starting to allow my self to actually feel and experience my emotions and at the same time start to question why it is that I am experiencing them, and quite often it seems to be surfacing that like I have been away in the past the ways that I feel towards my self are not necessarily on the logical side, especially when compared to the way that I feel towards others for the same things. Yet I am not at all sure if this theory is correct of it is more of my mind pulling connections that are not really there out of thin air but I guess here goes nothing.

I am starting to wounder especially based on what I have actually been allowing my self to remember (and feel) instead of trying to fight and shove away when it comes to my past if it is not possible that a lot of the negative views and conceptions I have about my self are less to do with reality and much more to do with the reality that I tried to force my self into when I was younger. I am starting to wounder if a lot of my issue don't have something to do with the tremendous amounts of effort I put into first trying to convince my self that not only that I was not gay, and then to make my self straight, but to also try to make my self the way that I should be in order to be straight. Mixed in with hurt inflicted by others turned inward as attacks on my self. Because I am beginning to wounder that it seems like I quite well and what would also seem quite successfully, considering I have/had no actually training, employed many of the techniques of the different ex gay "therapy" on my self when I was younger; especially after I gave up trying to mentally convince my self that my "difference" was just a phase and that I could do this or that to make the phase end. This is why I am wondering if it could be possible that many of the issue that I have with my self, the person that I actually am and the person that I see when I look in the mirror and instead of the person that I feel I should see in the mirror, and the conflict that the differences creates, is in big part an artifact of these things.

I spent so much time energy and effort as a young man trying to convince my self of what I should be when what I was was not right and why tweaking this thing about me or that thing about me would make everything write that I imagine that it would more of a surprised if that did not cause negative ramifications then the other way around. I remember being aware that I was different for quite some time, but that the feeling got much more prevalent and clear in my mind the older I got especially as I started to become more and more a target to be picked on, harassed and tormented by others, who seemed so able to see in me what I was not quite able to put a finger on my self, maybe they did not but it sure seems like they did. I don't really look back on much of my school years, from latter middle school on at all as a found time for me, when I remember those times I remember pretty much a living hell on earth, something that I could not wait to escape from and something that I would never want to go back to, and that I don't particularly like to remember ether.

I started out just trying to madly convince my self it was all a phase, that if I lost some weight, that if I became less shy, that if I would be interested in more manly things, that if I wore better cloths, that if I talked in a deeper voice, that if I talked with my hands less, that if I was less emotion, etc that then everything would fall into place and that I would stop having these feeling for and attractions towards other guys, and that instead I would start to have feelings for and attractions to ladies instead. I would literally convince my self that if this one thing changed or if I changed this one trite about my self that things would fall into place, and I poured enormous amounts of energy into this train of thought and way of thing and efforts to correct my self. Then when it ultimately started to become clear that the peaces where not indeed starting to fall into place that is when I really started to get desperate. Not only that but it is also when the harassment and torment that others decided to pile on to me really started to pick up.

That is when I really started to fight head on to change what I had come to realise was not a phase but was something that I was, and when I say fight I mean fight, if at the time I had know about the different "ex-gay" "therapy" out there I would have had my self signed up for one in a hart beat, but like I have said it in hind sight it seems that I employed the main force of them on my self any way. I started fighting against my feelings as if my life depended upon it, I started truing the harassment of others in upon myself. I started to in-force with in my self the wrongness of my feeling and my desires, the wrongness not only of my attractions and my desires, but the wrongness of who I was that did not fit into the box of what I should be. That did not fit into the box of what it meant to be a real man, what it would take to be a real man a man that was not only attracted to women but was a mucho masculine one as well. To not be emotional, to never cry, to not have "girl" interest, to be strong, to be tough, in sort to not be anything but what made up the socially acceptable criteria of the stereotypical mans man.

I am going to post this even though I know that it really dose not have much of a polish to it because I can't seem to quite get it to come out in an coherent way, which is somewhat frustrating. I have a shrinks appointment this Monday and I am wondering If I should mention this, or not especially if I can't seem to come up with a very coherent way to explain it I don't know that it would even do any good. What do you all think, as I feel like I am starting to hit a new wall with my ability to understand and actually affect any changes if I even do understand.

Keeping A Journal

2011-12-15T22:05:00.000-08:00

So I am considering starting to keep a journal, to hopefully write in daily, about how my day went how I feel and all those sorts of things to try and help clear my mind a little and maybe even allow me to more easily see things and figure things out about my self, stuff that for the most part would probably be quite boring and not something that others would necessarily want to read, so have no fear I don't plan on turning my blog into any more of a journal then it already is. But I was wondering if any of my readers keep a journal, and if you do what do you do to stick with it? As I have tried to keep a journal at multiple points in the past with out a whole lot of luck, even though I found quite often simply putting the thoughts down on paper is almost therapeutic in a way. Not only that but it is also a much more privet format one in which I am not nearly as bound to worry about proper grammar or my lack of spelling abilities.

But also don't fear that this spells the demise for my blog, as it most certainly dose not, and if even a fraction of my hope is meet, indeed it would provided some fuel for this blog, and possibly help provide some clarity to me over issue that I have brought up in this blog that I an dealing with. Besides you never know having some clearly laid out ideas that one can easily reflect back on might even help my blogging abilities, as there will always be things that I want to share with others, even if they are things that I might not yet be ready to share face to face every one yet! So if any of you guys out there have an tips about keeping a journal/diary I would be quite interested in them. As always thank you for fallowing along with me on this crazy journey threw life.

How I See Myself

2011-12-13T23:04:00.000-08:00

What do I see when I look at my self, not physically but as a person, which is something that I don't ever really share because people inevitably never actually know how to respond or what to make of how ti is that I actually feel about my self, and not only that but I have been burned enough times in the past that I also fear giving others stuff that they can use as ammunition to hurt me at some point in the future. After all I guess how are people supposed to respond when you tell them that you don't like your self, let alone but that in fact you see your self as a stupid, weak,worthless and genuinely a crummy failure of person that really dose not have much of anything to offer the people around them let alone the wold. I don't know why I view my self this way.

I don't see my self as strong or tough, I don't understand how people can see straight and toughness in me, because I don't I see the exact opposite. I see how no matter how hard I seem to try to be strong and tough, to tough things out, and power my way threw, instead I wind up falling flat and struggling to pick my self back up and having to reach out to the hands of others sometimes to do so. I see how I have not been able out out will things, to bring about the results I feel needed to be brought about, but instead ether had to back track, admit defeat or even grasp out for help! I have failed many times in the past to be able to power threw my depressions, instead of being able to battle threw them on my own not only have instead I fallen flat, to the point of wanting to kill my self and of thinking up how but not being able to fully actuate the plans, another sign of weakness but I was not able to make it go away, instead I was forced to wave a flag in defeat and grasp for help, all to often in the form of medication and "mental health professionals", ultimately dragging more people into what should have been my own personal fight, for me to overcome on my own. I am not able to keep my self from being hurt by others, and am not able to always hide it when others have hurt me and caused me pain, instead of being able to suck it up and wear my big boy undies, I get emotional, and feel like tearing up and crying and being upset when others say things that rip at my feelings. I am out but for me that still stings of a sign of defeat, that I was unable to muster up the strength to battle threw my sexuality, and to mange the toughness to make those feeling go away if not be able to replace them with feelings and attractions to the opposite sex or at the very least make my same sex attractions so diminished as to be able to ignore them with sufficient will power.

Strength and toughness would be the ability to not only fight my way threw something but to be able to fight my way threw it on my own with out inflicting any portions of it on others. To be able to over come and make things no longer an issue. Strength would be the ability to fight any of my emotional troubles and turmoils and to make them go away, not to simply struggle my way threw them, let alone to struggle my way threw them in was that others can see i'm struggling, but to fight them off and make them go away and ultimately not come back. Yet instead I keep struggling with them, and even needing help from others to try, to deal with them, which only punishes them for my weakness and inability to find the inner strength to go it alone.

Then of course should the failure of weakness be a surprise when one is also stupid? When one can't hardly spell worth a darn, and sucks at math and heck has trouble even thinking and writing in a straight coherent manner instead of with things being reversed and jumbled up like a giant disastrous mess. Heck I never did that well in school, especially HS. I have never gone to college and really don't see it in my future ether, and what kind of smart person can say that? I make silly mistakes, get my grammar screwed up and for the life of me have never been able to learn another language no matter how hard I have tried, because of the life of me I at times I could not tell you most of the rules of the English language. Then again what kind of intelligent person works as an associate in a retail job let alone actually likes working said job? I failed at being good at school at being good at mastering the ability to simply succeed in school! I am so absent minded and easily turned around that if to many things start happening next thing you know I start screwing things up left in right, when I need to try to multitask, or I simply forget what it was is was doing or where I put that thing that I need!

I have failed at so much, I have failed at education, I have failed at a carrier and have no real desire to clime any sort of corporate ladder, I have failed at a relationship, I have failed at being normal, at having control over my emotions at being able to overcome my emotions. I have failed at being liked by others, of being valuable enough for others to treat me with any modicum of respect, then again what have I ever done to earn it? Why should others treat me with respect when I even fail at presenting a face for them to see that would show someone that had a level of worth, worth respecting?

Nothing I ever do is ever good enough, I am never good enough, no matter how hard I try, there is always something wrong with what I am doing, what I have done how I went about doing it or how it turned out. I have never been good enough, I have always been a screw up, always to emotional, to stupid, to silly, to girl, to weak, to fat, to slow, to out there, to shy, to loud, to ugly, to distractible, to screwy, to gay, to quite, to messy, to moody, to unlikeable, to distractible, just an all around faille who is not good enough at anything.

How Do I Learn To Accept My Self?

2011-12-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

I am at a loss on how to deal with the issues that I have when it comes towards my feeling about my self, especially when it comes to my sexuality, what makes it all the more confusing is that the feelings that I hold towards my self and how I feel about being gay when it comes to my self are totally the opposite of my feelings when it comes to other people who are gay. When I say opposite I mean exact polar opposite feelings, and I don't know how to over come my feelings towards my self with the acceptance that I have for others, so that I can actually believe for my self things like what my mom posted on my Facebook wall in reaction to my last blog (which I posted forgetting she had a Facebook since she never uses it) "You did not choose to be gay and no one meeting you would guess you were gay i had no clue you were until you told me and I knew some growing up and a lot at work. I love you no matter what and you are not disgusting."

I can't even make heads or tails of why I believe these things even when I try to examine them, it just seems like they are just basic truths like they are the same as the fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west of that rivers flow to the sea, universal truths, truths that are just so basic as to be undeniable. How do you change something that is so undeniably basic, and replace it with something that is so contradictory to it? Where do you start when you are trying to make these changes? These are the questions that I have and the questions that I am strugling to answer as I can't seem to find any path to controdict what I feel so strongly is the simple truth of things, even when that simple truth causes me so much pain, as well as mental and emotional tourture. I could really use some help on this yet I don't even know where to turn, or start.

I Despise The Fact That I'm Gay!!!

2011-11-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

Once again my hatred of my self, especially for the fact that I am gay has bubbled up to the surface, part of it was because of the light prodding of the subject early on in my appointments with my shrink and his strong suggestion that I start to ex amen those feeling and try to understand why I have them, partly because those feelings have never fully left and never fully been able to be swept under the rug like many of my other feelings manage to get to have done to them. (at least for a short while) Most definitely though do the inadvertent jabbing of the lid to the Pandora's box of them by a coworker who had no real intention to cause harm or pain but was simply joking around. Something that just about every time cause things to get stirred up with in me and that I actively pretend I am alright with and join in the joking which to every one else around seems like I am joking but in reality I am beating up on my self.

Which I guess would be part of the negativity towards my self that my shrink thinks that seriously needs to be dealt with in order to try to be able to deal with what seems to be my mired of other issues that need to be dealt with to help bring me into better control and ability to prevent my self from being knocked out of whack, in the emotional/ mood cycling since that is.

I know that there are many out there that will hate that I feel this way and hold it against me and instead of trying to provide help or even any level of sympathy instead will/would only pile on scorn and hatred, which would only top off that which I feel towards my self. However I hate my self and my sexuality so much and feel so disgusted by it and by the feelings and desires I have that I would jump at the chance to no longer be gay and instead be straight. Now this is always something that lies just beneath the surface and it dose not take much of a scratch to make it come gushing to the surface. So one would think that I would say something to those around me especially those that I work with that like to joke in what is supposed to be a good natured way about my sexuality that the joking dose this to me, how ever I feel that I deserve to feel this way and that even if they don't know it, that it is right for them to make me feel this way.

It is not like my coworker means to do this to me, and I don't want to make him feel bad nor do I actually want to open up and let them know that I am hurt and why. It almost always starts in the same way a joke about me having weak wrists, and then about how I am obviously the women in relationships and all that sort of stuff, which inevitably I join in joking about, while inside I am caring a tirade of a conversation on about how all that stuff is exactly what is wrong with me. Then of course it progress to the point of how he knew from the moment I started working there that I was gay even way before I came out, which hurts me even more because what it ~~implies~~ hell states is the fact that even why I thought that I appeared not to be gay that others saw straight threw that and that I could never pass as not gay. Well of course this time it got to that point but the final blow to my ability to grasp on to one last piece of hope that I could pass as straight, was brought to bare by the fact that now he is dating an young woman who works in another department in the store who also apparently used to go to school with me in HS, who basically said she did not know I was gay in HS only because I basically did not talk to people. So now I don't even have that hope that when I managed to have the emotional energy to try over come my demons and to be straight, I still did not really fool any one, because the only ones that where fooled where the ones that I did not interact with.

I absolutely hate everything about me being gay, and I hate my self for not being able to do what it took to actually be straight, to fight my way to being straight. I hate the fact that I am attracted to other men, that I am romantically and sexually attracted to them and not to women, I feel like a filthy whore for my sexual desires and even worse for having even entertained them, let alone for having actually acted on them. I hate my disgusting abomination of a self. I don't deserve to be loved as I am; I deserve to be damned to be treated like the piece of crap that I am, to be scorned, to be made to hurt, to be made to suffer, to be drug across miles of broken glass till there is nothing left of me at all. A filthy disgusting freak like me dose not deserve happiness I deserve all the pain that can come my way, I deserve for that pain to fill me to the brim, to fill me to the point that it overflows everywhere leaving me no escape from it. I don't deserve to ever live a happy and well adjusted life as I am now, no what I deserve is to have the living shit beat out of me for the monster that I am.

Yet I'm such a fucking peace of shit that I still can't manage to not give into my disgusting desires, to not have the same fucking disgusting feelings towards other men, to still give into fucking weakness and shame my self by looking at disgusting pictures online and feeding the disgusting fantasies that plague my damned mind. No matter how fucking hard I try to escape them how hard I try to make these things go away to run from them to out run the disgustingness that is my own fucking monster of a self. That I am so fucking weak and so much of a fucking lost cause of a loser that I can't fucking escape this unspeakable shame, that is my own sexuality that I can't correct it that I can't make it right! That I can't make my self straight, that I can't make my self be a real fucking man! Instead I fail and I damn my self to be a disgusting excuse of a wast of a man, something so vial that I should rightfully be killed by any one with any level of common since and basic morals.

If Know Is Half The Battle, I Don't Even Want To Know

2011-11-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

I really do wish that I did not have to deal with my mind or my emotions, that I could just simply switch them off, and make them go away. I don't want to deal with them I don't want to think about them I most definitely don't want to record them and then relive them at any point in the future let alone have some one else drag me threw them again. I think I would settle with being drugged out of my mind, if I could still live with the side effects and never have to deal with the torture chamber that can be my mind and my emotions.

To not have to deal with no one else understanding what is going on with me, to not understand that what they think is the problem is not. Yet at the same time not be able to deal with even thinking about let alone actually telling them what the real issues are, while being unable unwilling afraid to do that, then having to be confronted by the demons that are my fears, to then have to try to shake those off again, and again, and again. To have to try to shove them back into their dark corners where they can't be seen.
I don't want to go threw a process that makes me have to examine these things, to have to record them and then to have to relive them to have to share them with someone else even if that some one else is my shrink. I don't like the prospect of opening a possible pandora's box when I don't know how to close it and when it already takes so much effort to deal with the things that I can't shove into that pandora's box to begin with.

if as aparently the saying gose "knowing is half the battle" I don't even want to make it to that part of the battle, in that case I DON'T WANT TO KNOW anything. As a matter of fact I wish that right at this moment I could flip the switch and not have to feel any emotions to silence my mind and cleans my soul, to put me at a perfect peace.

Why Should This Be So Scary?

2011-11-20T00:17:00.000-08:00

Well it looks like I will be sticking with my current psychiatrist as we have at least hashed out some of the issues that I was having and have created some concrete direction for something for me to work on during the 3 weeks that he is going to be on vacation, an almost assignment which I am glad to do even if what it is a part of trying to do scares me for some very unexplainable reason that even puzzles me. It may sound extremely illogical well that would be because it is, and that is that what it is that he wants to work towards is what he sees as one of the biggest problems I am faced with and that is causing so many problems. That is that I am "to hard on my self and to negative about my self" and while it would seem logical that working to be less so and that dealing with that would be something one would be happy to do, it is something that for reasons that I can't even adequately put into words in order to explain I find that to be one of the most terrifying ideas on the face of the planet.

I am at a loss at doing what my assignment from my shrink has given me to do for the 3 weeks until my next appointment (He's on vacation) well it's not really a loss, it is just something that I don't want to do it is something that I really really don't want to do, it is to keep a journal about when I get angry. (as part of the process of fixing something bigger) I don't even know any more that I want to be better I mean I do but I don't want to do this I definitely don't want to do meds, as it is I just tolerate having to take the current medication that I take. Really I would so much rather go back to sweeping all of this under the rug and making it disappear that way. I don't want to deal with why any more I don't want to examine things anymore I just want to shove them away until they are gone.
It seems like the more things we try to do and figuer out the more and more at war I am with whats going on and the more and more my shrink (and my logical side) are the enemy and that the enemy must be defeted. I don't want to deal with why any more, I don't want to know why, I don't want to be aksed why.

Therapy Is It Even Working?

2011-11-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

I am feeling so frustrated lately, I don't feel like therapy is helping at all, I just feel like all it is doing is taking up time and money with nothing to show for it. I increasingly feel that the only "progress" that has been made in helping me feel a little better is that which has been made by the minorly/moderately effective medication that I'm on. Other then that there seems to be absolutely no direction to my "treatment" leaving me feeling like I'm swinging in the wind and like absolutely no progress is being made. I don't feel like really anything is being dealt with nor that there is really any enlightenment going on at all.

Add to that the fact that increasingly I am getting more an more annoyed by my Psychiatrist en ability to be on time, which as some one that is always prompt to slightly early to arrive for any appointment time is getting more and more on my nerves. I mean it would be one thing if ever once and a while he was late but to be late every singe appointment (especially being the first appointment of the day) and when I say late I mean 5-10 minutes late to the office and then another 5-10 minutes of doing random things before the appointment starts meaning its always 15-20 minutes late and always having some sort of excuse of a personal hiccup of this nature or that. But never so late that it drops the appointment time into a shorter time billing block.

I don't know maybe I am being cynical, but should I not be seeing some sort of progress after having weekly appointments for this long or and I just expecting to much. It really is getting to the point that I am ready to give up on this process, as it just is not working, the only thing that it is doing is taking up my time and my money. with out anything to actually show for it.

Fake Friends, Whats The Point?

2011-10-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

It seems these days that it is easier then ever to make "fake friends" those friends that simply cross your path then some how wind up cluttering your Facebook as friends even when in reality they are nothing but an impostor. They are the friends that never pay attention to you when you are having difficulties, don't have your back when you need your friends most, but that dose not soap them from throwing insults your way, from throwing condemnations your way not going about doing things exactly like them, for not having all the same opportunities that they have had. In this case a friend who decided that it would be OK the call me a "stupid hippy" which to me is a strange insult as for one thing I am not stupid and for another the counter culture movement of the late 60's had a very profound impact on this country and brought about changes both political and social that are still an important part of society today. let alone if one where to go by his definition of "stupid hippy" the founding fathers and those that supported them would have fallen under that group too!

What to me crosses the line is when someone that pretends to be a friend has very little clue about who you are, your life story. But what really crosses it is when you tell them some about it and explain why your are who you are, and why you view the world and it's issues the way you do, is when they decide that snide comments are not enough but that instead it is time to threw five post throw every insult and hell even the kitchen sink at you for good measure. To call you an worthless idiot, and call all your views and values worthless whining of an moron, and to insult you for what you do as a living to! To say to your face that you are worthless because you have not fallowed the exact same path as them that because you have had challenges that they have decide to ignore you are worthless and lazy and deserving of absolutely no respect. To say to you that because of your job you don't deserve any respect that you don't deserve the right to advocate for the ability to have decent but modest living standards that to even have those values is to be a whiny moron! To me that is not something that a real friend says to another, that when a real friend dose not discount everything that another says, they don't insult everything about them and ever single choice that they have ever made since they have known them! A friend uses empathy to put them selves in the shoes of another to see.

It is totally betrayal and an utter lack of any empathy for any one other then them selves to insult some one that is supposed to be your friend that has opened them selves up to you and that has shared their story with you and shared details of that story that are not absolute public knowledge, and it is cold heartedness to use that openness and that sharing as part of your insult and betrayal to the person that used to be your friend. A friend dose not use your life against you they are supposed to help pick you up or at the very least gently and politely disagree with you. This sucks so much, I am so tired of having this happen, all it dose is leave me feeling hurt used and like walling off from every one, as that is the only way that has kept this from happening, it seems every time that I try and let that wall down and to make friends that ultimately they decide to betray my friendship and tare me down in the process.

I just don't understand why people do these things to me, why I get to be the one that they feel they can lead along and then cast aside like some used up piece of trash with out any care. This has happened several times before in my life when friends have decided that it I'm just trash to be tossed aside. This just causes so much insecurity to go flying off the handle all anew, insecurities that have eaten me up for so long and that only have I slowly be able to start to over come threw effort over the last several years, and this seems to be the reward, having the thing that helped to create them happen again, to blow on the flames of insecurity like the bellows in fire to forge steal. Now I wounder why I even bother to have freinds if this is all that it brings!

Is The American Dream Achievable??

2011-10-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering this quite a bit lately, I guess though the first step is going to be defining what the American Dream actually is. I would say that at least from my perspective the American dream is to have a decent job with decent pay and benefits, to be able to afford to by a decent modest place of your own, and have a decent retirement when your working years come to an end. Maybe this is childish or overly idealistic, but it is at least my version of what the American Dream, and one that is very important to me, as well as finding that special man, and raising a family with them. Yet I wounder if big parts of the dream are achievable.

I know that I am lucky I work full time at a decent (union) job, with decent pay for the area that I live in. ($12.90 PH with raises over the next three yeas to over $13 PH) I have decent benefits, good insurance, a 401K, union pension. I have worked at this job for 5 years, in other words since I was 18 (when I graduated HS) worked my way up the pay scale and seniority to journeymen. I have saved my money avoided debt with my only debt ever being a car lone that was payed off 3years early. I have never spent extravagantly and always saved but it seems that one of the key parts of my American Dream is still out of reach, and that would be the ability to afford a decent place of my own. I don't have lofty expectations or desires for my first place, matter of fact to me the ideal first place would be a one bedroom condo, I mean I'm only one person, I don't need tons of space and something that size would be easier to maintain and economical to "run". I just get the feeling that no matter how much I do what I am supposed to in order to achieve this part of my dream I am perpetually one step behind, not only that but that every time I seem to be making progress the goal line gets moved further and further out.

I know at 24 that I do have some time, before I truly start to reach a point where I'm falling embarrassingly behind my other piers, yet I still feel like that goal line is ever moving out of my reach. I have saved towards this goal since I was in HS, and started saving even more aggressively since I started working, I have saved up what should be a nice amount of money yet still dose not seem to be enough. which is funny when you see all those first time buyer shows where they often have just about the same or less saved up better then I what I have now. Yet when you still live at home because luckily your parents like having you there and don't want you out the door any time soon, as well as the fact that because they don't charge rent I can stuff aside all that much more money into my savings that would otherwise just go into some one else's pocket, it still stings a little.

I could just be, being hard on my self, maybe setting my goals to aggressively but even now it seems like when I am 28 I might just barely be getting into reach of my goal unless prices fall a "nice" amount more, as by then I should if nothing goes wrong have something over 50K but it's looking like that might not even be quite enough to cover a down payment on a decent one bedroom condo. It's like I have done everything that one is supposed to do, work hard, live simply, and save, yet it seems my reward for doing so is to be laughed at for actually behaving that doing so was supposed to help you get anywhere and believing that I could ever achieve this goal of mine, yet I keep trying. I don't know maybe at this point it is clinging onto a dream that will never be achieved, and just prolonging the joke, but I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that the dream is still alive and that I can achieve it. Then again maybe that hope is simply to childish and optimistic.

Medication, A New Perspective.

2011-10-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

as the chines proverb says "be not afraid of growing slowly: be afraid only of standing still". This seems be quite appropriate to the post today, as this post is about the slow and continuing evolution of my views towards my medication, and the growth towards being able to understand and change ultimately change those views.

When it comes to medication having to take one indefinitely is not something that most people necessarily look forward to, but in the same token it is something that many simply do like any other basic aspect of their life like eat or drink with little problem then maybe coming up with a system at first to help them remember to take said medication. How ever this has not been the case for me, especially since the medication in question was not for something like say blood pressure of cholesterol (all of which at my age are not even near being an issue) but for the treatment and control another sort of medical condition all together, that being my Bipolar Disorder, the ultimate purpose of the medication being to in conjunction with therapy to help bring the emotional instability better under control and to help keep it balanced in a more normative range. A goal that is not at all out of line with what I my self would/do wish to see be achieved. Yet this dose not mean that ~~taking~~ having to take the medication every day for the rest of my life. (as long as it dose not lose it's effectiveness, a real possibility/risk in the long run)

All of this however did not actually mean that it was something that I found easy, or that it was something that I wanted to do or even tolerated doing very well at all. Matter of fact to the contrary taking my medication was something that even though physically it was easy to do, and has no real bothersome side affects, I absolutely hated taking it, which is definitely one thing that probably contributed to my "forgetting" to take my medication quite often. This was in part because I felt a since of defeat when taking the medications, a since that I was seeding power away, power to the medication over the ability to care for my self and deal with my own issues. It was like admitting in a way every day that I was not in control and did not have power over even this most basic part of my life, a part of my life that I also wanted if not to keep secret to highly control the narrative of it that I presnet/ed to others as to control the sorts of judgment that they will/would have of me because of it. To me the feeling of control and the feeling of having control over such aspects of my life was a highly important and quite over riding quality to it, it would lead me to not take the medication as a way of practicing and having ultimate control over my self, even though in reality it would lead me to be quite out of balance and quite out of control emotional.

It was not until I started to realise when I thought that I had control and was taking the power that I had allowed to be seeded away, that instead I was actually out of control, that I was something that lead to me being unbalanced and emotionally less in control that instead I was taking the control and the power away from my self. That instead taking the medication was actually a step of gaining a level of control and a was an actual step to taking the power over myself back, that to be able to be emotionally stable was actually a position that allowed me to size the power that I have always had and to start to take the rains of control back, and direct my life into the direction that I want to go, to allow my self to, "grow slowly" to gain all that much better insight into my self.

So that I can use that insight to deal with all of the problems and issues that collectively makes up the baggage that weighs me down, that hurts me and that I often use to hurt my self. That being able to start to understand this, is part of the first step in allowing my self to grow past it and to grow into the person that I want to be. That the medication is not taking away but instead allowing me to do what I have been seeking to do for so long, that its not a sign of weakness nor a crutch, but instead another tool in the tool box of growth and self improvement.

Is This The Right Path?

2011-10-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know maybe it is just my unease and worry about finances that constantly makes me doubt and wounder constantly if I am on the right path to achieve if not the picture perfect future, that never really exist but that every one has a version of for them selves, if not that at least a secure future. Yet it seems I am never sure that the path I am on and the actions that I am taking to try to fallow it are the right ones, or if instead they are going to lead me into a sudden pit fall that will spell me doom. I wounder if this is something that all people my age go threw, and that their concerns are all the same but I am always left wondering if it is not so.

I wounder if I am on the right path if I am doing the right things the things that I need to do in order to achieve on of the big goals of mine which is buying a place of my own. I wounder constantly if I am on the right track, and if I am doing what needs to be done to get me there, if I'm doing enough and if I am far enough down the track or if I am massively behind the curve, when it comes to the prospects of buying a place, in this case something along the lines of a one bedroom condo. I have always know I wanted to buy a place of my own and have for quite a long time had a savings account set aside for just that reason, but I feel especially now at 24 that I am behind the 8ball when it comes to doing the sort of saving that is necessary to achieve this goal. Maybe I'm being to hard or expecting to much from my self based on unrealistic expectations or on unrealistic perceptions of reality. As it is I have been trying to save what I though was the right amounts especially since I started my first job at 18 (in 2006) and have continued to adjust the amount automatically set-aside further and further up, yet I still don't have enough to barely scratch my way into the condo market, between the amount I have saved for a down payment and the lone size I can qualify for with my income/generate a monthly payment that is conservative and quite comfortable to meet. It seems that I am way behind the 8ball and that I should have had enough saved up to be able to do this by now, which makes me wounder what I am doing wrong, am I not saving enough am I spending to extravagantly did I make drastically wrong turns that I thought where prudent but where not.

I know that so much of this is woulda, coulda, shoulda, sort of things, like kicking my self for what at the time I thought was a smart decision of buying my new car (which is payed off and has been for a couple years now) back in 2007 because my old one (1988 Plymouth Voyager) was nearing the end of its life expectancy at 19 years old and over 100K miles, (and starting to develop age related issues) and instead of buying a cheap used car use that money as a down payment on my Dodge Caliber, because I would get a longer use period out of it, It would come with a warranty (life time powertrain) and then I bought a lifetime bumper to bumper so I would be covered for nasty surprise. But now I'm kicking my self wondering if that was a dumb move and is why I'm behind the 8 ball when it comes to my down-payment war-chest.

I wounder if I have been and am living to extravagantly even when I thought that I was not, and that I could have and should have put that money into my war-chest. I guess obviously I have even when I thought that I was being very frugal, other wise I would have more saved for a down payment and I would be in a better position. I mean If I had saved for a down-payment like I am now which I am not thinking is too low and needs to be increased even more I would have saved at least an extra 14k then I have now and had about 34K in the war-chest and actually been with in much better range. and actually had a foot in the door now and definitely with in a year or two instead of 3-4 years out, if I'm lucky and prices don't go back up threw the roof. I mean it is pretty obvious that I have failed and done quite horribly at this and thus put myself way far behind.

I can't help but wounder if I am on the right path of if instead all that's going to happen is that once again I will fall flat on my face and that I will always be behind the 8ball and desperately trying to catch up with it. I wounder if I am just inherently bad at budgeting and if that is why I am so honorably behind. What have I not mastered that every one else has, what is the secret that I have not unveiled why is it that I have done wrong thinking it was right?

A storm Is Brewing On The Horizon

2011-09-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Things are clearly starting to head towards a down turn, and it is becoming more and more clear that a dark storm is indeed brewing on the horizon just waiting to edge its way in until it has destroyed all defences and has everything wrapped up in its furry. The negative judgements and self hatred are starting to edge their way in with even more force, as is the resentment over every action and path I take. With my new found disgust and self hatred for taking my meds the meds that I have been having a hard time managing to take on a daily basis like am supposed to, now I feel even more disgusted and defeated by taking and feel even more self hatred for even needing to take them.

Not that the drugs are the only thing, my ability or lack there of to keep up on even some of the most basic household chores, my worth as a person, and my physical appearances are all also starting to take a beating, considering that I have not managed to take off the weight gain from my last fight with this monster of a storm, even the sight of my cloths is enough to remind me that once again I am as big as a freaking house, that I am once again a fat freak that no one will ever care for or about. A failure at even being able to manage the minor things in daily life, that I am not worth much at all as a person that there are many appliances that probably have more value then I do.

Trying To Find The Path, And Questions.

2011-09-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

This is going to just a quickie blog, and I'm going to start it off with a question I have been toying with the idea of doing a blog entry every day for a month, possibly next month, and would like to know what you my readers think. Would you like to see me post something every day weather it be a long blog or a short little reflection?

So today I have another appointment with my shrink (OK psychiatrist) and have come away with more things to think about and to try to pause and contemplate on to try to understand how I feel at them and possibly why. I can see that some sort of progress is being made yet even that is actually a scary prospect too. It seems that even in the self destructive negativity and the stupid repeating loops that it brings about as crappy as it is, at the same time some how its comforting and less scary then trying to change it. I wounder how I am going to over come the ~~fear~~ sheer terror that comforting and changing these things is going to take.

It seems like such a hard thing, probably because it is, I mean after leaving each appointment I feel like I have be sent threw the was several times over, and I feel so emotionally worked up and drained like I have been to battle, a battle that I still seem to ill understand. A battle where even fighting it in what are the best ways out there seems to feel like a form of defeat. I wounder when these battles while cease to be battles and I can put them behind me.

I am also starting to wounder how to bring order to my life, some sort of stability in routine with a schedule that is anything but stable and is anything but conducive to a stable consistent routine day in and day out. As it increasingly seems like that might help weed out so many issues and make it at least that much easier to deal with others.

How Do They Do It? What Am I Doing Wrong?

2011-09-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

I just don't get it, it seems that on shows like House Hunters , Property Virgins , And My First Place seem to be populated by so many people my age, and they have budgets that I could only dream of! I don't get what I am doing wrong I scrimp and save, I stuff the vast majority of my paycheck away into savings each week with automatic transfer! I live less then extravagantly I'm about the most frugal person that I know, and have absolutely no debt.

Yet I am still at a loss for how all these people I see on these shows not only have higher budgets then I do but seem to have so much saved up, I have been saving most every penny I could scrape together since I was young and with the goal of buying a house since I was in in my early teens in high school. I have been seriously shoving money aside and living well bellow my means since I got my first job after graduating HS in 06. Yet even a modest condo in the area I live in is still so far out of reach. And its not like the pay and benefits of my job are bad ether. I currently make $12.90 an hour (and work 40 hour weeks, with my pay increase to over $13 a year by the end of the current 3 year contract) I have Blue Cross Blue Shield health insurance threw work, a great plan for a very low monthly deductible from my pay check, I have a 401(K) and Union pension. Matter of fact I have better benefits then my brother, and only make a little less then he dose and he is a certified welder! My income is not off of what the average income for the area is, matter of fact I make as a single person about half of what the average income of a family and about 2/3 of the average household income, so my pay is not out of line.

How ever if you use conventional ways of figuring out how much house one can afford I can't even afford a studio condo! but along the same lines if you use the same figures based on average and median incomes even for families in the area a family making the median income can't even afford the median priced house, heck they would be hard pressed to afford lots of the condos here ether! I just wish I know what the secret of those on the shows was as most of them seem to be so much further ahead and also living less frugally then I am! It just feels kinda hopeless at times, like my dream of a little place of my own (like a 1 bed condo) are just not realistic.

I guess the only think I can do is keep saving, I mean luckely my parents are in no hurry to get me out of the house which helps with the saving but at the same time why is it that so many of the people on those shows at 24-26 can seem to aford to buy a first place of their own yet for me it looks like I will be lucky to manage that even at 30? I just makes me feel like my dreams are pointless, like some how I am asking for to much.

Some Of My Photography

2011-09-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

So I have spent some time today editing and cropping some of the photos I took yesterday at one of my favorite spots to get away and do some reflecting, which happens to be the spot that I shoot my latest YouTube video. I thought that I would share them today as they are about the only form of self expression that is not winding up being totally frustrating for me right now. So please do enjoy.

Peaceful Trail Of Solitude

alone in the peaceful quite stillness of nature

fallowing the path to the seas edge

The Sea Comes Into View

Threw the lush undergrowth and majestic trees

filters the crashing of waves

along with the glorious sent of fresh sea air

Clinging On The Edge

hugging tight to the cliff's edge

where land meets sea

Standing Gard

holding the front

protecting all the lies behind

meeting all that is to come

The Edge

Where land and sea do battle

land standing rugged and strong

sea crashing advancing

and retracting everyday

Escaping the Forest Embrace

dirt and undergrowth

give way to beach

Remnants And Nature

mother nature in all her glory

Slowly reclaiming all that is

and once was rightfully hers

as mans once great creations

fade like the evening sun

What Once Was

What once brought life

to a great tree

now lies like twisted snakes

beaten and bleached

turned into

a beautiful spectacle

of another kind

Thank you dear readers for fallowing me and I hope that you got some enjoyment your of these photos.

France The New Cutting Edge of Being Anti-Muslim

2011-09-23T06:00:00.001-07:00

It would seem that for as much flack as the US get especially in international press for an anti-Muslim environment, a good chunk of Europe is not fare behind and is jumping into territory all but the most extreme in the US would be shocked to see come to reality. While in the US in some circles, usually the those of the religious right wing their is much vocal ant-Muslim sentiment raised over many issues especially that of constructing mosques, and banning them which a vast majority brushes aside as plain and simple bigotry with absolutely no basis in reality, the idea of actual banning any part of openly practicing their religion as an utter violation not only of their own rights as a human being but also a violation of their rights and freedoms under the constitution. Yet in France they have already passed a law banning Muslim woman from waring niqab which for some is a very important part of their religion.

Today french citizens Hind Ahmas and Najate Nait Ali became the firs two of 91 woman stopped by police to be fined €120 and €80(euros) respectively for waring their niqab out in public in defiance of France's new law. Both woman plan to appeal the ruling, working their way up to the highest court in France and eventually the European Court of Human Rights. On the same day (Thursday) as well A third women Kenza Drider who also openly flaunts the new law announced today that she is going to run for the presidency of France in next years election. This is not the first infringement on the religious practices of Muslims in France, as in 2004 France banned the warring of Muslim head scarves in the classroom. And this is not something exclusive to France ether, as Italy, Belgium, Austria, Denmark and the Netherlands all have similar or are planing similar legislation. Legislation that is so clearly based in an anti Muslim sentiment, legislation that is not being turned against other religious groups, yet attempt to hid its self behind a false facade of Secularist.

Not only dose it try to hid behind the false facade of secularity, it also hides behind the even more insidious argument of preventing extremism, under the false premise that french citizens who ware them and happen to be of a more "conservative" religious view will some how become susceptible to extremism. (which is of course a code word for possible terrorist) It would seem that in reality this law could actually cause the very sort of thing that it purports to try to prevent, after all trampaling on and marginalizing formerly law abiding citizens is usually a pretty good way to drive them into more extreme views. It also seems to be oddly out of the conversation that this is based on irrationally budgeted views of a peaceful religion and law abiding citizens. It also seems odd from my perspective that if this sort of even conversation where to take place in the US the international community especially many of those in Europe that have or are actively working towards the same thing would be jumping all over the US for the shame that it is, but also painting the US as despicable and disgusting for even talking about it.
Maybe this is a clear highlight of the difference of view even between a liberal/progressive American and those that I am seeking to understand, but to me to have a secular government is to have a separation of Church and State, but just as church interfering with state is not desirable state should also not interfere with the affairs of church (outside of prosecuting crimes of rape murder etc) and most definitely in a truly secular society State should not interfere with the practice of any religion. That includes interfering with where they can and can't build their houses of worship how they can build it (outside of building codes that apply to any other type of construction) and on the most basic level what sort of religious attire or symbols that they can wear as part of the practice of their religion, let alone where they can and can't wear them. It would seem to me that to attempt to do so is to violate the basic unalienable rights of others, not the mention to unsecualrise the government because if it has say in religion then why should religion then not have a say in it?

It would also seem to me that as an American, I can't and would never defend the stance of the fringe anti Muslim groups in the US, but I can also see that even here the majority can agree even across political lines that to try to inhibit any part of the practice of the Islamic religion is inherently wrong, and inherently a violation of the right to freedom of religion. For my part I sincerly hope that these women can eventuly get these discrimitory laws overturned for the trash that they are.

Another Lost Life, When Will It Stop?

2011-09-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

As has been floating around the blogosphere (more in depth here and here) and news yet another gay teen has tragically taken their own life. One could easily spend pages and pages condemning those who bullied and ostracized him, the teachers, principals and school that did nothing to stop it, the pollutions and social opinion makers who spew such toxic anti gay filth from their mouths on an almost daily basses, and how they have the blood of his death and deaths of many more before on their hands. Yet no matter how true that is those that are easiest to blame and those that hold so much responsibility are also the ones that don't give a damn ether, yes they may fain dismay, shock or regret for a few moments but then before one can even blink their eyes they will be back to their despicable ways. Yet this tragic loss also brings to light so much more nastiness, nastiness that is if not even more despicable at least as despicable as that which lead up to this horrible out come.

As it is that even in his death, like many others before the insults don't stop with his passing, but continue to be piled on even after he can no longer even attempt to defend him self from them, but even worse then those of the anti gay crowed, are those of utter contempt and willful ignorance and lack of hart from those who try to pride them selves as being more fair minded. (and even gay and allies them selves) Those would be the hateful bashing comments of the victim for the unfortunate way out of the darkness that he was driven to and chose. Bashing him for "giving those who hate him what they want instead of being strong" of "taking the easy way out" etc. As if it was not bad enough that he was constantly bashed when he was alive, at least then he could attempt to defend him self, now he can't even attempt to defend him self or try to make those supposed allies of his understand why.

(please play this music video, it really dose encompass the emotions of being at the unfortunate point of a depression)

They viciously attack him as if what he did was some how actually the easy thing to do as if he was weak and did not fight, as if he should have simply should have taped in to some mysterious power of strength and that he decided not to. To these people I say that they should be totally ashamed of them selves, as they imply that there is an easy way out of what was obviously a crushing depression, as if killing ones self is easy, it is faster then say alcohol/drug addiction/abuse as a way to try to escape such a devastating illness, nay disease as depression. I mean to say that suicide is an easy way out is almost total and utter stupidity or willful ignorance which is even worse. There is nothing easy about contemplating your own death about how to bring it about, about what the last thing that you want to say to all those in your life is, there is absolutely nothing easy about it; this is something I know very well as I have been to the point of planing how I am was going to kill my self and mentally going over the suicide not more times then I ever care to remember let alone recount, and I would never say that it was easy, I would say it is one of the hardest most frightening things one can experience in their life. Yet they don't stop with the absolute reality detached idiocracy of suicide being an easy way out.

No they go on to bash and pick apart the victims for being weak, for not being strong enough, as if they never even tried to fight. They act as if depression is some how a weakness and a personal failing of the victim as if they did not fight to get threw it until the tragic point where they no longer had any fight left in them. Depression is like a monstrous cancer yet unlike a victim of cancer we blame the person that suffers from depression for suffering from it. They tell them to simply "get over it", "just be happy", etc like they have never thought of those things and have and are not trying to "get over it" or "just be happy" which is like going up to a cancer victim and telling them "just don't have cancer" it just dose not work that way and to act like it dose is to be almost criminal ignorant!! To say that someone that fought depression for so long was weak is just so totally despicable. They had the strength to hold on and fight for so long as the monster of depression slowly smothered the joy out of their lives, it's slimy tentacles crushing their soul until they where dead inside. Yet they struggled threw each and every day putting on a brave face for the world, trying to live as normally as they possibly could, while inside they died bit by bit! To imply that is weak is to defy reality, it is to ignore the fact that they had more strength then just about any other person imaginable to be able to fight their way threw every day slowly dieing inside.

It is shameful the amount of ignorance and toxic assumptions that still run rampant around depression (and mental illness at large) because this ignorance and these horrible assumptions are what puts such a heavy stigma on those who are suffering threw theses problems, and they lead to treatment by others that is anything but supportive or helpful. This willful ignorance leads others to only make things worse, as they ignore cries for help, as they dismiss them off hand or even heap disapproval and guilt on those cries for help just further compounding the problem. Yet even as a community that statistically has a higher percentage of problems of this nature, we are no better then even those that seek to do harm to us, and quite clearly inflict it as well. I mean just look at the message that those bashing this kid are sending to others including quite possibly other kids who are going threw the same things who a struggling what are we telling, we are not telling them that they are strong that it takes immense strength to keep going like they are we are telling them that they are weak. Instead of acknowledging that they are actually some of the strongest people that they are heroes in their own light for the fight, the war that they are wagging, we tell them that they are weak which translates into not good enough, not strong enough, that is not the message that we need to send. The message that we need to send is that they are in fact immensely strong, that they are heroic for fighting this battle with the monster that is depression, that because they have this heroic strength they can get help and they can fight their way threw it, to see the day light at the other side no matter how far away it seems to be.

(Please if you are in a dark spot listen to this P!nk song, it speaks truth!)

This is an issue that must not be ignored not only with in the LGBT community and not only with youth but with in all of society and with in all age groups. But as a community we need to put even more effort into ensuring that there are very real resources, resources that can be used by these kids, not only to help them fight the bullying its self. It is great that we have so much material directed at parents, teachers, administrators and politicians, that's important but we need it directed at the victims as well, to give them tools to use so that they can have power them selves. We also need to have far more materials about fighting depression and how to over come it out side of just suicide hot-line that these kids and young people can use, self help techniques that they can effectively use especially if they don't have access to or can't get access to a professional like a physiologist(or a psychiatrist) so that they can have tools to help them in their fight against the depression with often turns out so destructive whether it be suicide or drug/alcohol abuse. We as a community need to provide these recrosses in manners in which they can be accessed and understood by those that need them most, so that when we tell them how heroically strong they are we can give them tools to use that strength to keep on fighting to get to the other side intact.

I normally would say sorry if I offended any one with this post due to the strong opinions that I have expressed, but in this case I don't apologize because I think to do so would imply that somehow the positions, and beliefs that allow this to continue and quite often at times compound it are acceptable would be not only counter productive and wrong but a lie. How ever I do thank my readers for sticking with me threw this and I hope that it has given you somthing to think about.

In The Kitchen WIth A North West View

2011-09-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

So I thought that I would share a recipe that I invented in part one morning while making a breakfast omelet and turned into a really tasty dinner, it may sound a little odd but trust me it is good, after all my brother who is one of the finicky eaters I know actually liked it too, so I'm sure it will be a hit with others.

feel free to adjust this to any size that you want to. As it stands this recipe makes enough for a typical American family of 4 (in this case 4 adults) with leftovers for another day. So lets start with what you will need to make this recipe.
1lb ground chicken breast (turkey or even lean ground beef will work just as well)
1 jar thick and chunky salsa (not to hot I used mild)
1 large tomato (I like organic slicing, but any will do)
1 small/medium onion (I used yellow)
1-2 small dessert spoons of minced garlic (or to taste)
splash of olive oil
salt (to taste)
Fresh ground Pepper (to taste)
Sweet basil (not fresh, but the shaker bottle kind) to taste
Dill weed (again shaker bottle kind) to taste
1 box whole wheat corkscrew pasta (or what ever similar type you prefer)

Start by precooking the ground chicken breast in a frying pan, adding in in a couple grinds of sea salt (or a pinch of regular table salt) as well as some freshly ground pepper and a little sweet basil and dill. brake up the ground chicken as it cooks into small bits (think taco filling or sloppy Joe size bits) cook the ground chicken breast until it cooked all the way threw, drain off any fat that has accumulated in the pan and set aside.

Next chop up the tomato into nice bite sized pieces (again think taco sized pieces) also peel and then dice the onion. (and mince garlic if not using pre minced)

Then on medium high to high heat add a dash of olive oil to the large skittle (or walk) then add diced onions keep moving with large square wooden "spoon" once they start to soften a little add in the minced garlic and the tomatoes, keep moving ingredients around regular. While string add a dash of salt some fresh ground pepper (to taste) and add sweet basil and dill weed as well don't be afraid to add what seems to be on the heavy end of the seasoning scale. keep stirring until onions are thoroughly caramelized, then add in the already cooked ground chicken beast, and mix in with other ingredients.

next add a dash of salt to the water to boil the past in then fallow directions on the package of pasta on how to properly cook it to aldenta.

while the water comes to a boil, and after the precooked ground chicken breast has once again been heated up, start adding in the jar of salsa. Mix throughly, once mixed add in lots of sweet basil and dill weed, as well as more freshly ground pepper. Let simmer allowing most of the liquid to steam off, checking task periodically and seasoning to taste.

Don't forget the pasta and once it is done drain it, and rinse in cool running water to stop the cooking process.

Once a majority of the liquid in the skillet has simmered off, add pasta back into the pot that it was cooked in, then add the contents of the skillet to the pasta pot as well and thoroughly combined pasta and meat/sauce. Once it is combined it is ready to serve and enjoy.

I personally recommended serving it with some fresh baked french bread, Pillsbury French bread works quite well. (hey I it's not like I'm Martha Stewart and I need to take some short cuts) as well as some nice steamed vegetables (frozen work quite well) and a beer (for the chief and adults only lol) and you have a complete meal that all will enjoy!

Illogical Inescapable Self Ideals

2011-09-21T15:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm being faced with the fact and starting to be forced with trying to truly change the fact that in my life and my view of my self I have many many ideas and ideals about how I should be that totally conflict with the reality of what I am how I am, and what actually makes me happy. One of the biggest ones that also seems to be particularly hard to deal with is my negative views of my self when it comes to my sexuality, the way that I can and my natural manorisms. It is something that almost totally conflicts and is something that seems to be so deeply ingrained and no matter how much when it is looked at in a logical way somehow the assumptions and unattainable ideals still seem so right and like to see things other wise is some how simply just wrong. Then add to the fact that I don't understand why I feel this way and see things in this way which should not matter when it comes to the fact that they are illogical and thus are something that should be jettisoned like the trash that they logically are, but some how that lack of understanding as to why those beliefs are there and so deeply ingrained some how seems to give them power, and a since that discarding them is somehow a mistake.

I mean from a logical point of view the idea that some how I need to be more masculine then I am when I have no real clue how to be so let alone when to do so actively is also counterproductive to being happy with my self, it would seem there for easy to come to the conclusion that then this ideal of what I should be and how I should behave and model my self is something that should be thrown on the scrap heep of mistaken and just plain useless ideas. Yet to it seems that to not understand why I feel this way some how indicates that indeed this ideal is some how valid and that instead what I need to change is my self in relation to it, yet as has been established over a very long period of time and many, many clear failure is the fact that it is an almost futile attempt to do so, and that even to do so just brings discontent, anger, disappointment and self disgust just the same as not meeting this ideal.

Yet is like if only I could get those pieces to fall into place I could change what I see as my biggest failure, which even though logic says I really have no control over, I still see it as my biggest failure, and that is the fact that I am gay. It seems that if only I could be masculine enough and only I could work at that hard enough that it will cause me to be straight. I still am very disappointed and angry with my self for my inability to bring this about when I was younger, my inability to be masculine enough to keep from feeling the attractions that I still feel so filthy for feeling towards other guys, that if only I had not been so weak I could have kept my self from becoming gay, and instead turned out straight. Even though I know on a logical side that his is absolutely untrue, I still can't seem to give it up to let it go and to instead embrace the fact that I'm gay and that it is perfectly fine to be gay, even though when it comes to others I don't see anything wrong with being gay, yet when it comes to my self it it just about totally unacceptable and something that I should be ashamed of. It is like always being at war with my self.

I feel so threatened by my own desires and my own inability to fit into the ideas that I don't even understand why I hold them of how I should be that I am afraid of just about every thing to do with me actually being gay, whether that is me being in a relationship as when I am I just feel so filthy and disgusted that it makes being in one almost torture. It feels like a failing something that should be hidden from the world around me something that I should be ashamed if others know. I feel even worse and more ashamed when others are supportive of it and accepting. Something that I know is totally illogical yet to ask me to try to remove this illogicality is just about tantamount to asking me to remove my arm.

This is one of the biggest issues as it one that I can't escape it is not something that I can leave behind for the weekend as it is a part of who I am and a part of something that I must live with every day. like I can with my over expectations of my self in many other parts of my life, yet even those I am at a lose on how to actually let them go. It is like a tape stuck on a loop yet no matter how much I dislike the loop it is even scarier to turn the tape off. Then there is the fact that even if I could get past the fear of stopping these tapes from looping I don't even know how to do so as simply using logic to combat them obviously dose not work, because otherwise it would not be a problem.

And once again dear readers thank you for letting me use your ears.

I'm Back, And I'm Political!

2011-09-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

Welcome my dear readers, it has been way to long since in have posted a blog entry, but in part this is a good sign in disguise, this is because in part I have been busy with work, but also because I have been busy finally getting my life back in order from my last bought of depression. As part of that I have been working almost weekly with my physiatrist on discovering issues that I have, leaning ways for me to become more aware of the things that I think and start to examine why I think those things and to evaluate if those ways of thinking are helping me or hurting me. I am just starting down what is clearly going to be a long and not necessarily easy path towards the goal of creating a more balanced and thus healthier me. As part of that I have also been working on decluttering my life, going threw my stuff and clearing out the clutter that has accumulated in my room and all my little storage spots. This has though taken up quite a chunk of my time, and my attention unfortunately to the detriment of other areas.

Along with this renewal and getting onto the path towards living a life that I want to live, I have once again started to begin fallowing many of the blogs YouTube channels and political shows that I have fallowed in the past, how ever I have found that I have not stayed static in my views on things, but that in-fact my views have moved to be even more progressive then they had been in the past, which in part I attribute to some deeper understanding of issues, wanting to see a fairer country and world. The other thing that I attribute it to is the fact that I am much firmer now in my values of right and wrong and my personal understanding of what Jesus tried to teach, and that much of what conservatives and the religious right stand for is in total opposition to what a would based on the teachings of Jesus would look like, which is a total shame.

Along this lines I find my self increasingly fed up with the GOP and their not even veiled attempts to throw the middle class and especially the poor under the bus, and to sacrifice them to protect, no the super wealthy and wealthy corporations, not only that but their increasingly glaring total lack of respect or even caring for this country and lack of true loyalty to it but instead to mega corporations who don't give a damn about this country. Not only are they doing every thing they can to insure that the economy dose not recover adding further insult to injury not only to the unemployed who want to work but to those with jobs to because the bad economy and utter surplus of desperate workers allows companies to drive down wages drive up work load because those working in their logic should be thankful to be treated like minions and trash instead of being out of work. Not only that but the GOP insist that as a country we can' can't can't. We can't create great public works like we have in the past, the very sorts of things that make this country great and helped drive it to be one of the most prosperous in the world but instead have to stand by and watch as the rest of the world dose so. That we can't even fix the great public works that we have, out great highways, bridges and dams, the very structures and networks that allowed us to become and economic power house rivaled by no other. all because to do so would A increase employment and thus stimulate the economy in one of the most effective ways by putting Americans back to work and putting money into the economy to be spent and thus creating demand that will ultimately drive the private sector to one again higher. But also because to do so would require the closure of massively unjust loopholes enjoyed by the most profitable companies and some of the nation's wealthiest, because to do so would require going back to at least Clinton era tax rates on the supper wealthy which until bush where some of the lowest rates, even lower then when Reagan was in office (heck even Regen the Republicans often brought up wet dream would be to much of a "socialist, terrorist, commie" for them if he where to sprig back to life today) I'm tired of hearing that in the "new America" this is no room for the greatness that once was, the great public works of the 30's and 40's the great interstate system and public works of the 50-70's the great space race of the 50's and 60's and the many great scientific discoveries that it foisted.

Then there is the appallingly horrific undercurrent of the utter lie that America has always been and should return to a country where every one was solely out for them selves and that they should not and don't give a damn about any one else. This is painfully clearly illustrated in the tea party and especially in the recent republican presidential debates where in one the crowed cheered over the fact that Rick Parry as governor of Texas has executed more people then any other governor in history and that there are many questions about the innocence of those executed!! The fact that the crowed did not care that some of those executed quite literally where, and very possibly could be innocent of the crimes for which they where put to death is disturbing. Then there was the CNN tea party debate where the audience activity shouted that those with out health insurance should die if because of the lack of insurance they can't afford treatment to save their lives, Something so callous and horrifying one has to wounder how they can sleep at night, if they even have any humanity left at all or if in fact they have sacrificed their humanity on the altar of total and absolute self interest, where the vale of any other human-being is worth nothing unless it is they them selves. This not only fly almost directly in the face of the values that America has stood for and the values that have united us as a country, but also even more significantly flies directly against the values and morals of Christ him self. Yet surprisingly the vast majority of the tea party self identifies (no matter what the party actually says) as christan conservativs, how one can consider them selves christan and have such disregard for others, have such levels of callusness for others, have such disggust for the poor and less well off that they feel they should die becasue they are not lucky enough to have health insurance or the funds to aford buying health insurance on their own when they are not able to get it threw an employer. It is scarry to think that there is a posablity that people whos values are so warped could actuly wind up haveing canadits that also share their warped views runing this country!

Until next time dear readers I hope that you have a good day and stay safe and happy.

What Is Progress, & How Dose One Know If It's Being Made?

2011-08-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while since my last post, but I guess that is water under the bridge now, and instead of trying to give a quick recap of everything that has happened since my last post, which given the abilities of my memory (especially the lack of it and especially to put things in a proper chronological order) would be destined to be a confusing failure, instead I will jump head long into this blog and the issues that have spawned it.

I am seeing (and have been seeing) a psychiatrist (on a practical weekly basis) since after my oh so lovely hospitalization, however I don't quite know what to make of it, nor am I quite sure if it is actually working, then again I'm not quite sure what the goal is, or how the "treatment path" that is being fallowed is supposed to work let alone what would constitute progress along that path to it as yet to me unknown final destination. I don't know that any sort of head way is being made then again I also don't really and have not really understood my "homework" that i'm supposed to work on between my sessions, let alone how to know if I am actually making progress on it or even doing it correctly. Nor am I clear at all on what I am actually being treated for any more. I also am not really sure how to express these question not only in a way that can and will make since but also in a way that dose not come off "wrong" and become a negative destructive thing, as in how to express them in a way that is not to blunt/abrasive.

To me it seems very confusing because for one thing I don't have and have not had a clear statement from this DR or what it is they think I have and thus what they are treating me for, then their is the fact that there has not been a clearly lade out road map of what the treatment/s are and how they are supposed to interact and what to expect out of each as well as giving me some sing post along the way to measure progress of lack there for of with. Then there is the total lack of a clearly stated end goal that is being strive for. This approach is also quite different from the one other real recent one that I have experience with which was there was a clearly stated Diagnosis to be dealt with a clearly stated goal of what the ideal out come would be and then basically drugs where thrown at it to try to get the best and closest out come to what the goal was. This time there seems to be very little going on, on that front, however I don't know enough to know what to make of it. But I do know that I struggle with most anything where I don't have a clearly stated gaol at the very least, and in the best case clear "mile markers" so that I can note progress to help succeed and measure the success of what I am working towards.

I don't really know how to approach something where the goals are not clear, the problem is not clear the path is not clear and where there is "no one" to lay out a clear definition for at least one or two of those items. I am then just left feeling more frustrated and disappointed in the whole adventure then if I where to have never done anything at all to begin with. With out expectations I don't know what to do or how to tell if what I am doing is actually right or not, and expectations are one of the biggest things it would seem are missing out of this whole equation.

Even this seems to be a failure as I still have not really figured anything out, even after supposedly putting into writing what the dilemma is, I am still not quite sure on if it is, let alone how to even approach it and come up with a solution. I really wish that I had a clear picture of what problem was so that I could at least start to wrap my mind around it and work at a solution to it, or even be given help on solution that can be fallowed step by step to accomplishment, but with out any picture of it I can't wrap my mind around it and have no clue what to do or if I am even actually doing anything or not, with nothing to compare against, it is like going into work and having to try to guess what they want me doing and if I am making progress towards that with out having any clue what projects need to be done, where in supposed to be working and what the desired outcome of my days work would be, it simply dose not work, "things" will get done but its almost guaranteed that they will be of little if any value. If that even make any since, I am just exceedingly frustrated as obviously something is either missing in translation or I'm not getting something I need in order to succeed at this.

Quick update

2011-07-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

I know that it has been a while since my last post, and this is going to be a quick update as I really don't have a lot of time. I have not been doing the best but have been trudging along and pushing myself threw it, and hoping to be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel soon. That and starting at the 1st of July the remodel of our kitchen started so that has been stressful. I will not be able to do any real blogging for at least the next two weeks as I am out of my room for them as the drywalls and painters work on fixing the dry wall and repainting the whole upstairs of the house, so every thing has moved into my room and my parents have taken it over.

I'm not the most social right now that and since I don't actually have any "privet time" on my computer the only way that I can blog is by sending it in as an email from my Cell, which as you can guess it takes a heck of a lot of time to compose. Not only that but for the most part I have been very disconnected not only just in my daily life and feeling disconnected from what is going on around me and what I am experiencing almost like its more of a movie or interacting with like some sort of video game, but also I have pretty much been disconnected with currant events as to add trying to deal with even caring about them is more then I can really muster right now.

What Is Pride About?

2011-06-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

What is pride? I could give a history lesson on how pride first started along with the modern gay rights movement with the stone wall riots, but I think by now that is something that if not all most know, and if they don't they can easily find out or find some one that dose. Instead I want to try to answer the question of what is pride what dose it mean now and what dose it stand for now. I want to answer this because like every other thing in life as time has passed things have changed somethings for the better some possibly not all depending on ones view, but they have not stayed statically the same, as that is all but imposable in life.

I think that in this day of Internet activism, and the increasing ease with which political activism is organized and spread in this digital age, that it should come as no surprise that to some extent the political activism that used to be the driving force behind pride should now be in a co-driver position, allowing other important aspects to grow and blossom as well. How ever to say the politics have left the building at least from where I site would be an overgeneralization, instead to say that some of the politics have become more mainstream would be more accurate. As it is no not at all uncommon to see politics and those who work as the grassroots of their campaign taking part in pride parades and festivals, something that in the past unless they where gay, would have been all but unheard of. What instead has happened is that the social side the need to connect with others, not just who are gay but who share other important aspects of ones life has grown, and that is something that is not bad, as it is something that allows people to connect, and to grow and share with others.

This social side is the side that seems to be blossoming into and important co-driver of what pride is about today, it is taking the need to have an venue where one not only can be proud of the fact that they are gay and do so openly, but that also recognizes that there is more to them then just that, and allows them to connect with others who are like them and who support them that share in the others things in their life that also make them who they are. It is the churches, the different social groups and activities, and organizations that have rightfully grown in importance. Another aspect that has rightfully grown in importance has been celebrating the mile stones and progress that has been made, as that deserves to be celebrated. Celebration is not wrong, not only is it a way of showing that we are a part of "normal" society, that we come from every walk of life, and every background but that we have also accomplished much even though we still have a long road ahead of us. It has also grown not only from a form of defiance and showing that we are there but into a way to show how much a part of every day society we are and for a way for much of that society to show that they too value us as a part of it. This can come in the form of city, police, fire, and even corporate participation in pride, it is a way to show that as much as we value our selves we are valued too.

Some may take it as just an excuse to party, get plastered and hook up, but that is not the majority, and it is something that can be said about any sort of celebration, and any group of people. How ever for many more it is a time when they not only can be part of a majority, a majority that is like them and a majority that supports them, but where they can also be them selves with out having to leave parts out of having to have their "guard up" that being so is wrong. It is something that can be and is quite powerful and that their really is not any other true substitute for. It is also a time to show the world around that look at how many of use there are, a day where we don't blind into the sea of people around us, where we can stand out and say we are here and that you run into and interact with more of us then you think. This to is a message that is just as important as any political goal.

I think that importantly pride is about more then just politics and political goals, while they are an important part of pride as they are an important part of daily life, it is also just as importantly about a since of community a since of belonging and a since that you are fine just as you are and there are others out there just like you, and that it is OK to celebrate and be proud of who you are as a person.

The Failure of Health Care, Mental Health

2011-06-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

Health and being healthy is not always as simple as it would seem and is not always something that you can see and tell simply by looking at some one else, their is one big aspect of health that often can't easily be seen just by looking at some one and that the only way to actually know about is for them to open up to you and tell you how they are doing, and honestly tell you if anything is wrong. That is mental health, a subject that even though much effort has been put into trying to destigmatize and is something that still has very negative stigmas attached to much of it and that it is still often quite culturally acceptable to portray in very negative lights and stereotypes. It is the kind of health that can and is often struggle with in the dark, and where having an issue or even an "disorder" is something that still carries a heavy negative weight with it our culture. It is also something that even if one is willing to admit that their might be something wrong often takes a whole lot of jumping threw hoops to even start to get help.

Mental health is something that I would say is a largely over looked part of health in this country short of depression which has had multimillion dollar advertising blitzes by the drug companies, most everything else to do with mental health is a part of health care that is totally divorced from what is considered everyday. It is a part of health care that is even relatively poorly handled in countries that have universal health care but that is, at least from my view even more poorly handled in this country. It is so poorly handled in the western health care cutler, in no small part due to the negative social stigmas that mental health issues are some how failings of the person that suffers from them, or that they are character flaws etc, that have caused our jails to often become populated by those suffering from mental illness because they are unable to get treatment they turn to ways of trying to self medicate that often land them afoul of the law. As a society this emphasizes on negative views of mental health, has quite a high cost, a cost in people who aren't able to live as productive and full filled lives as they could, and a tax cost associated with housing them in prison and hospitals because they could not get the help that needed.

Even if one is able to hope threw all the hopes that they need to clear in order to get help, they have to deal with the fact that the negative stigmas that are attached to most mental illnesses are ever present, that it is a big risk to even tell family or friends, let alone the risk that ones employer, or future employers for that fact might find out about it, even if it dose not mean that they are in any way incapable of doing their job. This is because many employers even if they don't openly admit it would turn down a job to some qualified for that job just because they have a mental disorder even if it is under control. Not only dose admitting it put at risk in a very real way ones job, it also has another risk of changing the way that others view you and the ways in which they interact with you. It can cause them to see you as being weak and having a falling and character problems and that is why you have this issue and you are just weak that is why you can't just make it go away. It can also cause them to treat you with kit gloves like you are some sort of damaged goods or something that might brake and harm them.

This sort of reaction should really be no surprise in a cutler where mental illness is not portrayed in a balanced light, as any other medical condition like high blood pressure or diabetes for example, something that can be treated and where the person with it can live a normal and productive life. Instead it is portrayed in a light where those that have mental illness are the ones that are dangers, that they are ticking time bombs, the next school/workplace/spree killer when that is not the reality at all. We also have a popular view of those with mental illness as being initially broken and irreparable, as needing to be separated from "normal" people because no matter what they are somehow damaged goods, a totally different way then society treats others with physical health problems, when someone has diabetes society dose not shun them treat them like someone that is broken that needs to be separated out that is a risk to all those around them. Faith also has a strong roll in this, the tendency to paint metal health issues as being signs that one is not faithful enough or that if only they where truly faithful this issue would be resolved, as if it is some how an manifestation of some sort of evil in their life, or that it is some sort of test that if they are faithful enough will pass. All of this conspires to cause people to go with out treatment or(and often) diagnosed for health issues that can and do dramatically affect their lives.

This is something that as a country and as human beings that we should be outraged by, we should not only start by demanding improved systems for providing mental health care, but that we also need to start to be part of the change that we want to see. We need to start fighting the popular views of mental health and start to make it socially backward and unacceptable for those with mental illness to be portrayed as some how broken or an inherent risk to all those around them. We need to start to truly demand a balanced view one that includes showing that not only are most people not a threat but that they are productive well adjusted members of society, it it is going to be the removal of negative social stigmas that the most good will be done. As with out those stigmas there is so much less to keep people from even starting the process of seeking help, and continuing to receive that help, as well as making changes to their life's that will help to bring about even better positive outcomes in their treatment. It is with the removal of shame,the need to avoid a social (end economical) scarlet letter threw secrecy, , that starts to allow people to realize that they really are not alone, that there are others out there to and that there is hope.

Only God Can Understand Me

2011-06-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

What is control and what dose it mean to be in control? Is control keeping people even your own family and friends at arms length, not letting them see you, or know fully what is ever going on with you, only giving them rear glimpses control? Is burying your emotions as deep as you can so that those around you can't ever see what they truly are control? Is lying to others and telling half truths control? Is not taking or doing anything that can control your mood even medications, control? Or are all of these things really signs of being out of control and just desperate grasps at some level of control? I don't know the answer to these questions because I do keep my friends and family at, at least an arms length so that they don't truly see me, who I am and what I am going threw. I bury my emotions so deeply most of the time that really it is hard for people to know truly what I am feeling, I lie and tell half truths to those around me. This blog is one of the only places that I even let a true glimpse into me to happen. Only God know what it is that is me, as I don't even know the answer to that at times.

I have avoided, drugs and drinking to the point of being buzzed/drunk, not because it is the right thing to do, or because they are bad for you, but because I am afraid to lose the control over my self and what I present to others, not only in the mask that I present to the world, but in my ability to remember what information I have given to them and what I have not. And now I know I am sounding like some sort of physio monster, but now we touch on the other deep seated fear, one that I don't let any one know that it is a serious fear of mine, the fear that I am somehow out of my mind and that if I let others in, if I let others have a window into my mind that they will find me out of my mind and that I will wind up at the funny farm. This is something that I fear with every fiber of my being, a fear that flows threw me and just talking about it makes me tingle as if at any moment some one is going to shove some sharp instrument into me exposing my insides to the world out side. I don't know what it is to be normal, I don't even know really what is normal for me, so the fact that now I have people actively seeking to bring me to a state of normal to use drugs in the form of medications to make me normal is a thought that is almost as frightening if not as frightening as if they where to say to me they wanted to chop me up into little pieces.

I am taking medications, and to those around me I strive to present this as something that is positive and something that I want to do and something that I intend to do, but it is something that I really actually afraid of doing, and is something that with every passing moment the voice that is my inner thoughts the ones that I hardly ever let those around me hear, is screaming at me that I should not do this that I should not take these medications, that I should not see a Physiatrist. That I am only going down a path that is going to lead me into being discovered as some sort of crazy, and not just a crazy but one that needs to be locked away. the more I fear this the harder and harder I try to lie to those around me to put on an ever better facade so that they can't see the fear and the terror that lies beneath.

I don't want to take the medications that those around me say that I ~~should take~~ need to take, to bring me to a state of normal well being, I afraid that in trying to do so that not only will the only me that I have ever know will get buried, buried under an onslaught of chemicals, but that they will find that I am truly broken, broken beyond repair. But that even then that will not stop them from trying lord know what on me first, because the me that I know the me that I have only ever know is not the me that I am supposed to be.

I'm afraid, I'm deeply afraid, afraid of what lies in front of me.

To Gay/ Not Gay Enough, What's The Deal?

2011-06-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

This seems to happen a lot, even with in the gay community, others are judged on if they are the right kind of gay. It's bad enough that those outside of the community insist on having a say on if one is gay enough, but them those inside have to as well. For me I seem to fall in that strange middle ground at times, from those outside of the gay community IE straight people seem to know that I'm gay and I have been told by coworkers that even before I confirmed it to them, that I was pretty obvious and they spotted it from like a mile away. But when it comes to other inside of the community I seem to be viewed as ether not gay enough, or trying to be "heteronormative" simply for being who I am. It is a spot that I do find to be a little frustrating at times as no one like to really be analyzed in such a way let alone to be the odd man out, as it seems like their is a very set standard on what one must be in order to actually be a correct gay.

Unfortunately it dose not seem to matter that one be them selves to actually be a good member of the community just that they fit into so many proper check boxes, and if you don't then there is some how something wrong with you. I can easily say that I know I don't fit so well into all of those check boxes just like I don't fit in many of the check boxes for the generation I belong to. Instead I seem to fit on the outside of many of both list of check boxes. I don't drive a "gay' car, instead I drive an AWD Dodge Caliber R/T which is anything but your gay car, but it is the car that I wanted and that fits my personality very well. It is a car whose styling I really like and I liked the fact that it looks big and masculine while still returning me nice MPG. I also really like full size pickup trucks and if fuel cost was no object I would own a Dodge Ram in a hart beat. I honestly don't get how a car can be gay or not, the owners can be but the car is simply a sexless and orientations object.

My music collection also dose not tidally fit in with that of being a "good gay man" because It dose not fit into the stereotype of what someone with my orientation should be listening to. I am not the biggest fan or many pop artist let alone of "club" music, instead my music collection consist of a lot of classic rock form the 60's-80's and then rock from the late 90's on, it also has a very large chunk of country music from artist from the late 90's threw the present. I am much more likely to be listing to a country radio station in my car then to the station that plays the top 20 pop songs of the week. Although all around country music seems to be despised for no particular reason by not only the gay community but by my generation as a whole too, even though country music seems to have much more in common with every day life then pop music.

Then their is the idea that to be a good gay you need to be ever in style with what you wear and that to not be up on what the latest styles are and to have a closet filled with them is to not actually be gay. I am the first to admit I don't give a rat's behind about what the latest fashion trends are, instead I would rather wear cloths that are comfortable and that I feel I look good in regardless if they are the latest things or not. I don't dress like I am going to some sort of fashion shoot I also don't dress in the oversized baggy gangster style that seems to be so popular with those my age as well. I don't see why one must be on top of the latest style trends to be considered gay enough for some.

Because of these thing I often do feel quite the odd man out when it comes to fitting in because, not only do I not fit into the mold of the generation that I belong to, but actively dislike that mold, I also don't fit into the mold for being gay ether. But I don't know that I would want to fit into ether mold because to fit into it I would have to untrue to who I am.

Crazzy? Is that me?

2011-06-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

I know that one way to define crazy is to do the same things over and over again and expect a different out come, and I also know that to an extent that is exactly what I am contemplating as an option when it comes to how to deal with, handling my disorder. I know that not taking medications leads me to keep on cycling and that doing so could very well possibly land me ether back in a hospital or worse dead from my own doing. Yet I am still wondering if I should do medications or if I should forgo them against what seems to be a face of most recommended medical advice, and research for that matter.

Yet I am still not sure nor 100% convinced that being on a cocktail of psychopharmaceuticals is the right path, that being on a regiment of some sorts or mode stabilizers and possibly antidepressants and lord know what after the medical experts in the Physiological world get done with me, so that they can hopefully decrease the number of times that I cycle and hopefully dampen them as well. To do this seems to be signing my self along with a great degree of power over to those that are billed as expert but for the most part have never actually experienced what it is that they are trying to control and make go away. It seems like to be on a life long course of ether old school mode stabilizers or atypical antipsychotics (that act as mood stabilizers) is not necessarily something that I am keen on, as they don't just dampen the lows but also the highs. They will dampen my emotions, and unfortunately that means that its all but certain as just about every mood stabilizer dose it, I will be left feeling kind of emotionally blunted and I don't quite know if that is a very good trade off.

It is hard to explain hard to put into words exactly that at times love hate relationship that I have with my feeling, as at times they are so strong that they can interfere with my ability to live my life in a pretty normal way, yet it is also those same powerful feelings that i don't quite want to give up as they are also something that has always been a part of me that have so dramatically shaped who I am and who I have become. It is those emotions that make their way into my writing, even into my photos and how I go about taking and editing them. these fantastic emotions if they could be harnessed to power the world their would be so much power that it would be able to be given away for free. I find it quite a scary thought to have to give these emotions up, even if they are also the same things that at times threaten to tare me apart and tare my relationships with friends family and others apart as well. Because as much bad and harm as they can cause to give them up would feel like giving up a part of me a chunk of my soul, all in return for a promise that is not a cure at all but that hopefully things will stay balanced.

then there are the side effects, like weight gain something that I am already having enough trouble with, with out the help of medications. As it is I have managed to put on 35lbs in the last 3-4 months which means not only do I have to lose these 35lbs but another 40lbs on top of them in order to even get into the zone of my ideal healthy weight. It dose not matter what the drug they always come with some sort of gotcha side effects that you have to deal with and live with while you are taking it so that it can supposedly do it's job.

I know that my friends, family etc would all like to see me find the best-combination of meds but to also stay on them as well, in part this desire on their part make it feel even more like doing so is handing over control over that aspect of my life over to them. That it is giving in to their desires of what is best for me medical and that is something along with many other battles that I have fought to gain freedom from. I also though don't want to hurt them or scare them any more and I know that in reality from the information that is available that in order to not do that to them I will have to go on medication for the rest of my life. Medication that is designed to take away the powerful emotions that I so deeply love and to replace them with meeker imitations of the ones that I am supposed to lose, the ones that actually inspire me, that can and are at times the driving force behind all of my creativity. Yet they don't understand how intensely I feel things how when I feel an emotion it is like every fiber of my being is feeling it, and that is why to give it up is such a big deal.

Maybe though this is the price in addition to the monetary one that I will have to pay in order to live a more balanced life in which I am able to achieve more of my goals and live a life even if it is with chemically crippled emotions that I want to live instead of being at the mercy of my emotions so much of the time. I guess that it is them that I need to decided if what I gain is going to be of a greater value to what I have to sacrifice to achieve it. I don't know that I have made the choice even yet, maybe that means I'm crazy or maybe it means that I'm not, the only thing I am sure on is the fact that I'm not sure at all.

What's The Right Course... Meds or Not

2011-06-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

Like I said I was probably going to do I am going to be spending some time doing, I am going to be talking more about the recent events in my personal life as well as some other issues that I am facing and choices and all that other good stuff that I am going to be having to make and things that I am going to actually have to come to terms with. To save some time and to avoid needlessly repairing things I will simply drop a link to the last post so that those who have missed it can get caught up, and so that I can pick up right where I want to start anyway, I would also like to direct you to a post from Bryan at Gay Family Values which after reading his brilliantly written post has inspired me to open up some more and to share more as well.

So as is made obviously clear by some of my recent post I have had an issue one that got so out of hand that it caused me to have to admit my self to the mental health department of the local hospital, at the insistence of my Family, who basically gave me the ultimatum of doing it my self or they would have me admitted against my will.(and with strong urges from the hospitals social worker) all of this due to a very nasty spiraling out of control of a depression that really the best way to put it was like being eaten alive by the blackest soul sucking monster that one cold imagine. Which had caused me to slip into a mind set of suicidally, to the point of having the ways I wanted to do it planed and even reached and was mentally working on what I was going to say in a note, not light stuff, yet something that was not new for me at all. Matter of fact I have sunk to that deep of depressions since i was a sophomore in high school, and have experienced more depression then I would care to remember. So for me to feel this low was not an entirely but the out of control spiral had happened a little faster this time. Most likely aggravated by my working a graveyard shift which kept me awake all night when I should have been trying to get what little sleep I was being able to get. But this is something that we will come back to latter on. Now this by no means, means that I am some how depresses all the time, matter of fact I have my times where I am better then great and it is like the worlds best natural high that one can imagine. Matter of fact to the point that I can and do have people think/accuse me of being on drugs, which I'm not and never have been.

Now this brings us to what it is that I am just starting to feel my with and which I am trying to make the best decisions on the course of action and the types of actions that I want to take to try to keep things from getting out of had again like they just have and like they have in the past. I am just now starting to feel my way around for the path that well lead me where I want to go when it comes to the treatment of my Bipolar disorder, as it has become pretty clear that simply ignoring the diagnosis and thinking that, that will make it go away and that I can keep doing everything as I have been simply dose not work at all. Yet it is the course that against logic there are still parts of me that want to fallow that path, the path were you don't admit to others that you have an illness. I am once again being faced with having to make choices that can have major impacts not only on how I live my life but how I experience it to.

One of the biggest choices that I am being faced with again is the choice on whether or not to continue on a medication regiment which no matter what drug, or most likely combination of drugs would require me to be on them for the rest of my life. To some it may seem like taking medications even for the rest you ones life to prevent from going into such a destructive mood extremes would be a no brain er, how ever I think it is one of the hardest choice facing me right now. As a matter of fact this one choice is harder then choosing to come out, this is because it means changing a part of what has always been my experience of the world around me, something that as much as I hate it at times, and as much as at times I wish I could make go away is something that I also treasure. This choice is hard because most any drug/drug combination that can stabilize my moods and make me much less likely to cycle also deadens my modes out. In other worlds it prevents me from feeling my emotions as strongly as I do now, and that is something that I am not sure that I want to lose, as my ability to feel emotions as deeply as I do is something that I treasure, and something that when I am in the create mode I find to be extremely important to do what ever it is that I am doing, whether it be my photography or writing to almost anything in between. It is a aspect of me that seems to connect me to the world around me on a level that is almost impossible to explain. Yet part of the goal of a successful treatment is to deaden that emotional power, not only would it remove the depth and richness from the lows but also from the highs as well.

Not only am I concerned about losing the depth and richness from which I experience my emotions but I am also very wary of medication its self as a means of handling anything to do with emotions, as I have had very bad experiences with medications in the past. I know that most of that is do to the fact that in reality they where the wrong medications. Well that is not fair they where the right medications but do to a lack of knowledge they where really the wrong medication and given in the wrong manner. I guess what has really turned me off of medications when it comes to treating mental health issues, at least in my case is the very negative experiences I had with them when I was younger and before I was actually diagnosed as Bipolar. This is because of the experiences I had on antidepressants which I was prescribed many during the periods of depression during my High School career that although they would work for a short period of time would them cause much more distress and harm then if I had not taken them at all. It was these experience that made me stop seeking out medical help when I would slip into one of my depressions. It was also one of the reasons that I stopped confiding in my family when I was suffering threw them because they would insist that I get help for them, which form experience would mean being prescribed and antidepressant. The problem was that after the sort period where the antidepressant would work it would then start sending me on daily roller coasters where I would emotional shoot up higher then the starts and crash down in the the most powerful black whole many times a day, something that was much harder to deal with then a straight depression and which was extremely exhausting.

So now I am not only trying to decide what the best course of action to take is with this illness that all to new to me but that I am also trying to learn about it as well, so that I can try to make the choices that will be the best for me so that I can have the sort of life that I want to. I am left not only struggling to understand this illness but also how best treat it. I know that every choice cares some sort of consequence and that there will never be a perfect choice and that is a matter of balancing the perceived pros and cons against one another and hoping that you got that equation right. This means that I have to decide if the pros of being on a medication regimen outweigh the cons and the possibility that next time I may not be so lucky and that it is very possible that next time I might wind up doing significant harm to my self, against the desire not to be emotionally numbed, by mode stabilizing medications. Then there of course come the possibility of side effects, side effects that can also have a very real impact on my life, side effect that where part of the reason that I stopped my medication regiment before. One which the one that I dislike the mos is weight gain, as it is I already have a weight problem and have gained about 35lbs in the last 4months with out any medication and don't need the extra help of the medication added onto that.

Then there is the fact that since I lack much in the way of a support system outside of my family there is the fact that I need to have them be part of this so that they can help me, I have to hand power over my life over to them, power that I have struggled to gain for my self now I have to look at giving some of it back to them. This is something that I'm not to found of, as it is I feel that they get nagy and that is with out them looking out for signs or signals about my mental health and wellbeing. Most of all though I feel quite frustrated as it feels like I have so much less power over my self then I though as it seems to increasingly be getting taken away by doctors and others in order to help with something that I don't even really understand very much, and I don't like the feeling. It feels like I have handed the power of deciding what is actually best for me over to others and I am less a unique person but instead more just a simple case of issue to be treated. I don't feel like an approach is being taken that takes into account the unique aspects that make me, me and not someone else. I still don't know that I am ready to let my family into an better understanding of what it is to be and what it is to experience the would threw my eyes and my emotions because in a way I worry that they will think I am totally crazy and off my rocker for the way that I feel my own emotions.

I am also totally unsure of how in the world to even approach this subject or to not approach it when it comes to the possibility of those outside of my extremely immediate family, like with friends or even future potential partners, because in reality they would need to know. Not to mention I am left wounder when I do get out of my depression and if I'm still on meds what they will do to my sex-drive as most of them do have side effects that negatively affect ones sex drive, and unfortunately when I'm depressed like I have been I don't have one any way so it is hard to say what effect the drugs are or are not having on it ether. After all what good is it if I am "stable" but never have a sex drive, I don't think that is a great prospect. I guess the only certain thing I can say is that nothing is certain and I don't know what I am going to do or quite what to do right now, nor possibly ever will I be 100% sure.

Out Of The Hospital.

2011-06-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

I know that many of you, have been scared by my posts lately, and to be perfectly honest so was I as they where raw expressions of how I felt and exactly what I was thinking when I wrote them, even a little held back and restrained if that is possible. I also know that my sudden disappearance from not only my blog but all my web profiles might have scared you too. For that I would like to apologize, but also tell you that it was because I was in a place where I would be safe and where I could get some help and get pointed once again in the right direction with a path out of the darkness along with a light at the end of the long tunnel to strive to reach. I will probably blog on this who episode and experience in much more depth tomorrow and in the upcoming days, and explain much more clearly and precisely exactly what happened. but for now I will tell you that (and I have no shame in saying it, as at times every one gets in over their head and needs help out) I had/have been in the hospital (for the first time in my life) since early tuesday morning, when I (with my family's guidance, determination and support) I had checked my self into the mental heath unit.

It not only allowed me a safe place, one in which I could not harm my self and in which by taking away the means, and providing me support I was drawn out of the place where I would want to do so. It also provided me with the support and guidance and actions that I needed to once again pick my self up and get heading in the right direction to not only help me out of this depression but to also put me on a path to managing my underlying condition (bipolar disorder) so that I can live the balanced, productive, well adjusted happy life that I have always sought to be able to live. I am now equipped with some new coping skill, a plan on how to take control over my illness and the professionals that I will need to be able to do so. And as I have said early in the days to come will be a more in depth post about exactly what happened. This topic and the efforts to get my illness under control will probably continue to pop in future post as well.

Is My Life Even Worth Living?

2011-05-30T18:37:00.000-07:00

I keep asking my self this and I don't even think the answer is yes, I don't feel that there is truly anything that can be done to make this pain go away, let alone stay away. To make my life worth anything, to stop the hurt that I inflict on others simply by living. I don't understand why I feel this way why I am this way, and I don't see any way to actually escape it ether while still living. I feel so ashamed of my self, so worthless and out of control too.

The Non End of The World

2011-05-27T00:27:00.000-07:00

This may seem a bit late but instead of simply talking about, and poking fun at the fact that the world in fact did not end at 6pm in each timezone on the 22nd, I instead want to share my views on why I think that not only dose this sort of stuff continue to pop up in this day and age but why a surprising large number of "the faithful" seem to so incomprehensibly believe this sort of stuff often with out any question. I think that this has the power to reveal a fundamental issue with the direction that faith is taking in many places with America being a very prime example of this.

As I see it part of the problem is that with the spread not only of Televangelist but with some of the evangelical branches of faith, the idea and assumption that the bible is instead of a book written (and put together, translated and thus edited by man) is instead of being a vehicle for a message is instead a text where what is written is to be taken at face value, and to question what is said, why it is said, and if their was another meaning or if their is a deeper message hidden beneath the text is not just wrong but to do so is to some how not be of faith and instead be possessed to wander the "wrong path". Add this into an environment where the value of personal reflection as part of the religious process and the use of personal understandings is much less important then in say other "mainstream" branches, in favor instead of the pastor preaching the "truth" to all those gathered. This creates an environment where logic, reason and understanding are not encouraged but instead discouraged all together. It almost creates a lazy version of faith, in that you don't actually have to go threw the effort of questioning the words that are being read to find a deeper meaning in them, you don't have to use reasoning based on an understanding and knowledge of the times in which these text where written.

This is all made possible when one starts with the false assumption that the bible is the direct word of god, which is to mean that it is as if good him self where to have sat down and written the text himself. The problem with this is that the bible is really a collection of stores, some can be called divinely inspired, but most are accounts of the events, thus they are stories told and written by man, and thus they are not infallible and can easily have the biases of man, and the falling of man contained in them. This is one of the reasons at at least a fundamental understanding of the world and times in which these text where written is so vitally important. In part because it allows you to help separate the effects of the environment in which it was written that have slept there way into the texts out of the message that the text are trying to convey. Matter of fact there are many things in the bible on face value would seem fine, and approved of and moral that today we would find totally unacceptable and morally wrong to do to other people, and with the application of understanding you can see why those things are wrong, then with the knowledge of the times in which it was written you can also see how the environment and what was already seem as acceptable, had migrated its way in as something that was acceptable with out it having to be divinely inspired. The lack of these two very important things that are involved in questioning create a very one sided understanding of faith and one that is very off balance and easily toppled when confronted.

This one lopsided and unbalanced version of faith thus then brings about it the requirement that those that fallow it must not question and that they must believe no matter what points to the contrary, what they are being told by those that lead them. Those that are supposed to have a deep understanding of the meanings of the text of the bible and it's message. So then when these leaders that they trust come up with (what to those that do use reason and knowledge as part of their faith seems) a crazy hair brained idea, they are already conditioned to accept it on face value with out any questions, and to do what ever those leaders say must be done as part of their crazy scheme. This how ever is also why it is almost impossible to get threw to those that "truly believe" the fundamental flaws in what they are spotting. This also explains the lack of many of these leaves to regurgitate biblical passages or even whole seasons of preaching with out even knowing what it is there are talking about or what other "teachings" are tied in with the ones that they are spouting.

Time To Come Clean

2011-05-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

I have come to the realization is that I have to come clean not only with my self, but with others, and that I let this out into the open. I need to do this, not only so that it is not hanging over my head, even in an outlet where I have been the most able to freely talk about all aspects of my life, but so that I can start to remove some of the shame from the other more closed off areas of my public life. Hopefully by doing so this should allow me to take some of the fear that this will be discovered which has also been keeping me from finding out more about what this really means and how to make things better for my self.

How ever I do fear that admitting to this will cause others to view me in a way that is highly negative way for something that I have struggled so hard with and that I know deep down is not caused be some failing on my part, unfortunately by and large what I am needing to admit dose carry very large and negative stigmas with it. It is something that I know is viewed as even worse then being gay, and that has enough negative stigmas of it's own. But I also know that I can't handle carrying this around as a secret and trying to also fight it and conquer it at the same time, because in order to do so I will have to risk letting others know, or others discovering by happenstance. It is also something that I am going to have to share at some point in future relationships as well, as the other person is going to have to at least know about it so that they can understand any possible actions I need to do to get to and stay where I want to be.

The secret that I have been talking about so much recently, and that I have to allow my self to learn more about and to learn tricks on how to handle and control, is that I have health issue but not of the physical health sort. I have a mental heath issue, which is why I have expended so much energy and effort to try to ignore it, shove it under the rug and to try to keep it from coming to the light of day.

I have Bipolar Disorder.

This is not something that I say lightly, and it still scares me half to death to think that I have even said this out loud. I have been suffering for far to long and I hope that this really is the first step in making things better. I hope that this dose not change your or others view of me.

Please God Help Me

2011-05-25T00:34:00.000-07:00

I pray for the strangth not to give in to the pain to not give into the path out that seems to easy and painless, the parth that will put an end to all of this, to all of the pain, to the inveloping darkness that my life is once again becomeing. I pray for the stranght to make it threw this test, I pray that I make it threw this test, with out falling. I pray that I this pain go away, that I be freed from all of this, I pray because I can't keep going like this, I don't have the stranght that I have had in the past, and it hurts so much more now, I don't have the power to overcome that I once had.

I pray that the fears be taken away that I don't have to be faced with them, that I don't have to be practicaly cripled by these frears again, these fears that I though I had delt the final blow to so many times before now. I don't know that I have the strangth to deal with these fears any more.

Please god help me, I can't go threw this again, I don't have any hope left for the futer, I can't keep living if this is what my life promisses me, I can't keep living when joy light and happyness are mearly teasers that all to breifly flill in the spaces bettwen the all enveloping soul sucking, so killing darkenes. I don't know why I must be punished in this way, I only have so much strangth and with each time I have less and less. I don't know if you want me to wind up dead or not, but I have flurted with doing just that so many times in the past with these periods of monstorus blackness, and each time it has gotten closer and closse. I realy want to just make it stop, god I really do just want to make it stop. I don't want this pain any more I don't want this life this life of tourter that you keep putting me threw, it is not making me stronger, it is only makeing me weaker and more voulnrable to the final fall. I don't think I will ever find the serinity that I seek, let of all on this earth in this life. So why god should I even keep fighiting this? Why should I not just let go, and let my life drain away from me, and relase me for this existance?

I want to die

2011-05-24T00:54:00.001-07:00

I really do want to die, rather then feel like I do now, to feel the most crushing pain, sorrow, hopelessness, guilt and absolute worthlessness. With my mind raceing out of control, and the most conflicting needs to run and scream and do everything and anything possible, yet to also curl up in a ball, to disappear and to shut down completely. I would rather overdose my way into a sleep I would never again wake from then to feel this way anymore!

A Dark Secret, To Reveal Or Not To Reveal.

2011-05-19T23:34:00.000-07:00

This is the question, unfortunately I don't know that the answer is at all simple, as the secret is one that to reveal I have fear with only make others if not fear me, see me in very badly stigmatized light. As this secret is one that pertains to a subject that is less then embraced with understanding then with stigma of terrible things and personal weakness and failing. A stigma that I don't want to be linked with; yet to not share it means that I keep it bottled under wraps, and in the process fear others knowing or learning about it and feel shame over it that I should not feel and should not have to feel.

It also means that it is very hard to connect with others because I can't actually share of my self, as to do so and to be able to share with them how I feel, why I feel that way and even my fears and even why I fear some of them, because in order to do so they would have to know what the big secret is. So I sit here unsure what to do, and trapped in the cage of my own secret.

Time To Start A New Chapter

2011-05-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

After a series of long talks with a friend today much light has finally been shed on what has ultimately been causing me so much trouble, along with the fact that with out making changes to how I am living and my ways of thought, the problems would not only fail to resolve them selves but that they will in fact only get worse as they drag on. It is with this knowledge and in the spirit of wanting to improve my life that I declare that it is time for me to start a new chapter, to do my best to wipe the slate clean and start afresh.

It has become painfully clear that not only am I holding my self to a much higher standard on how I need to act, behave and conduct my self and life, then I do others, but also I am holding my self to an unattainable high "moral" standard that is even higher then what I hold others to and what I think is actually right and wrong when it becomes to others. I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer hold my self to a standard where I behave in a way that allows other to take advantage of me and that requires me to not look out at all for what is in my best interest and for my self in situations as well as still doing what I can to help others, because I can't actually help others if I myself am on the Virge of breakdowns and being over stressed because of it. I can't hold my self to a standard of how to conduct my life when that standard dose not fit the realities of my life and prevents me from conducting my life in the way that I wish to, when the way that I wish to do so dose not do harm to others or my self but when not living my life the way that I want to actively cause harm to my mental and thus physical well being as well. I need to also stop holding my self to a moral standard that is higher and illogically based on things that I don't even believe are true or reasonable let alone use when it comes to my views of the world out side of me, instead I need to stop worrying about the arbitrary of most morals and instead focus on applying the value of doing right to and by others, treating them with respect, equality, love and doing no harm to others (and my self), and if it dose not violate those key tenants of morality then it is not wrong. I know to some that may seem lacks but I have come to the conclusion that much of what is said to be morally wrong or right is arbitrary and more to do with trying to control the behavior of others then with what is about spreading love and treating others as you wish to be treated your self.

I know that this is going to take a lot of effort and work at times, but I also know that in reality no one lives up or even comes close to the standards that I was trying to hold my self to, and that continuing to hold my self to them is not going to be good for me. I have realized that the whole point of "standards" is something that one can strive to achieve and actually achieve and that me holding my self other standards is not actually holding my self to standers but ideals, and ideals are good ideas to strive towards at times but not always. They are good if they are something that you can grow towards and slowly achieve, they are bad when they are something that you can't and will not ever be able to grow towards. I also realize that I can't base what is right for me and what is morally acceptable to me based on what others think or might think about it, but that ultimately it is between me those that I chose to share my life with, and my Creator what is right and what is wrong. I realize that it dose not matter what others think of me as long as I have done what I can to treat them right and I feel good about my self and what I have done, if they don't like me then it is not my problem it is theirs and it is their loss, not only that but that when others are nasty to me for no comprehensible reason that it dose not say anything about me but it says that about them. Now that this is so clear and I have come to these realizations, I hope and will strive to start putting them into action, in order to better my self, and my life. I feel like doing these things will not only make me a happier person but also a more confident person as well.

Who Am I, And What Do I want?

2011-05-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

I find that I'm asking my self these very questions all the time, yet it is a question that I still don't seem to know the answer to. I feel so lost and often even trapped in my own mind, like some times I am watching a movie so detached from it rather then actually living my life, so detached that at times when I ask these questions and start to analyze then it is like in analyzing who some one else is then really dealing with my self. I find this to be one of the most frustrating feelings I know, as it leads me to feel lost and like I an some how not me but that some one else who is just watching a movie about some one else life a great chunk of the time. I know that this probably sounds totally off the deep-end crazy yet it is a feeling that I have know for a good chunk of my life now. Even know it feels as if their is a disconnect as I am writing this.

I think the best way to describe it is I feel almost like an animal trapped in a cage like at a zoo, there are things that make it feel like the right habitat and that make since, and then their are lots of things that don't and I know that it's a cage and that it is not right, yet I don't know why it is or what is not quite right. It is quite hard to explain because of the fact that I don't understand it my self, yet I still know and can feel so incredibly deeply that things are not right, that it almost literally haunts me.

I could really use some help with this.

Self Confidence, Or Lack Therefor Of

2011-05-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this will come as a surprise to some of you but I am not at all a self confident person, at least when I am in a face to face type social situation. It may seem strange that I am so open when it comes to sharing with others on the web, and really am much more confident on the web then I am when it comes to with others face to face, but I think part of it is the anonymity and the fact that you aren't physically right there and trying to read the person, based on what they are saying, how they are and their body language. It kind of freeing in a way.

I lack the confidence to really even stand up for my self in many situations where I don't like the way I am being treated, in part I also don't want to upset others, I would rather make others happy even if it meant allowing my self to be hurt and to put my needs as secondary to any other persons. This quite often leads me to do things or allow things to be done (and said) that are destructive to me mentally and emotionally, it also makes it hard for me to truly open up to others and actually share with them more then just cosmetically to create a facade that I can please them with. I will do things that I don't want to and that make me absolutely miserable because I feel guilty telling others no when they ask me to do things, or I will take on more work then I can handle and Heep on the stress as I try to accomplish more then i reasonably should instead of saying no, because when I do say no then I feel guilty and start running threw my head all the reasons that saying no are wrong, and that I am selfish and mean and that I'm now hurting the person that asked.

The other part is I start to worry about what they will think of me if I say no to them, I start to worry that they will think I'm a nasty person, that I'm not good but instead bad. I worry that they will paint a picture of me to others that portieres me as some kind of horrible monster, and that then those people will think that way of me as well. I worry about what strangers think of me when they see me doing things. I worry that they seem me as just some sort of icky person. I get preoccupied on what people think when they see me doing things to the point that I avoid doing things that I like and that would be and are actually beneficial to me, like riding my bike as much as I would like to, or taking running back up because I get stuck on the thought that when others see me they see a stupid disgusting fat person doing things that obviously they don't do and should not even be trying to do.

It also seems to impact my ability to not only not take personally when people don't treat me nicely or well, as I take that as meaning they are not happy with me, and therefore I am not doing something right. So instead of simply removing my self from the situation, or actually letting the person know that I don't like being treated that way, I take it to heart and feel bad about my self and my inability to make them happy and to make them like me. The problem is that the harder I try and if they still inevitably treat me that way then the worse I feel about my self.

I quite often feel like my real self is lost, and that I'm out of touch with myself due to my over riding need to be what every one else needs me to be. Yet at the same time it is like I am afraide to find out in a way who I realy am and what I realy want and how I want to live my life. It is to the point that I honestly don't quite know how I got to be this way and why, but I know that it dose have quite negative impacts on my life, impacts that only make it harder for me to deal with and keep some certain other issue in check and under as much control as one can control them. I know on a logical level that this has to change and that I need to become more self confident or it is quite likely that my lack of self confidence is going to in conjunction with other issues that I have going to lead to a very unhappy ending to me. I just desperately hope that I grapple with what I need to do to make the changes necessary and to actually make them so that I can overt the sort of outcome that I do fear.

I not totally sure how to go about changing, and correcting these issues for the better. I do know that it is going to have to in part do with a changing of the way that I think when it comes to situations, as the problem is with my way of thinking about these things. I would love it if any of you have advice if you would share it with me, as I will admit I am lost when it comes to this. I have always put so much pressure on my self to almost blend into the background and to please others so that even if they where not my friends they would not notice me or would not hurt me or get close enough to me to be able to hurt me.

Writing a good Letter is hard.

2011-05-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

So after rereading the last letter I posted for the umpteenth time, and also restudying the "proper" way to write Congressional representatives for the umpteenth time again as well, I finally decide that I was not quite happy with that letter, which I still had not mailed yet, and that instead it was time to start over again make another attempt at writing House Majority Leader John Boehner another letter. Which I did, so after the jump is my letter to John Boehner version 2.0.
Dear Representative John Boehner

I would like you to not only reconsider your current stance on defending The Defiance Of Marriage act otherwise known as DOMA, with the intention of not only having you not defend this nationally shameful act in the courts but using the power of your position to repeal DOMA and remove it once and for all, relegating it to the pages of history along with many other equally shameful laws that we as country have seen fit to undo in order to live out not only the great promises of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness but one of the most important equality for all under the law.

It was as a teenager during my high school years that I fully realized that in this country which I have always been so immensely proud of and had so much pride to be a citizen of, a country that promised every citizen the right to live their lives freely and to pursue their own path towards happiness, all with equality under the law no matter what, that in this great country I was not allowed to pursue my own path to happiness because I was forbidden to marry. That in this great country I could not fall and love with and the legally marry the man that not only do I want to grow old and spend the rest of my life with but that I want to raise a family with.

I am disappointed that as it stands now in order for me to be equal to my parents and my brother, and the rest of my family, who all want me to be fully equal to them and have the same full rights to marriage that you know still seek to keep from me, that in order to have those rights I will need to leave this country. That I will have to leave my home town which has and continues to make it to the top of list of best cities to live in, in the county, I will have to leave my friends, my family, my job that I have healed since I graduated HS in 2006, where I have worked hard and created may friendships as well. Yet I can see firsthand how marriage equality will not and does not harm anyone let alone a nation.

Being just a scant 25 miles from Canada, I would be lying if I said the thought of simply packing up my life and moving there where I the eyes of their country I would no longer be the second-class citizen that I am at home, instead I would have the full marital rights, something that the province of BC has had since 2003 and Canada as a whole have had since 2005. My friends who do live there find it totally incomprehensible how I can be a second class citizen in my own country especially when as a country we are constantly beating on the drum of equality. It hurts my heart to know that I am so close to a place of equality yet for me to get it, it I might have to give up my own family, friends and country.

I feel that it is a shame of the highest degree that as a nation we are not leading by example when it comes to marriage equality for all Gay Bisexual and Transgendered citizens, instead we stand not on the sidelines while an increasing number of nations pass us by, we actively fight to push against the flow of equality, when instead we should be blazing the trail for others to fallow. I should not have to be considering leaving my country, a country that is supposed to be one of the greatest not only on earth but in history, to gain the rights and equality that are promised by the ideals on which our founding fathers founded this country. This is why I ask you to not only do as President Obama has and refrain from defending DOMA in the courts but to take an even bolder step and over turn this law of inequality, allowing all Gay Bisexual and Transgendered citizens to marry, allowing me the same rights as my family and to share that beautiful occasion when it comes with them, in my own home town, in my own country.

So now is the time where I ask for your help and feedback on this, before I finally send it off in the mail with the hopes that Boehner actually sees and and at least considers what I am trying to get across to him. Also before I do a youtube video of me reading the letter. I think that it is important that we not only presser our elected officials but that we also attempt to put a human face on the issues so that they can hopefully see the efects that their stances are haveing on their fellow citizens.

A Letter to John Boehner

2011-05-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

So I wrote a letter to House Majority Leader John Boehner, to express my experience of disappointment and frustration at the lack of marriage equality, and to call him to change his actions and instead support marriage equality. After the jump, it the letter in its uncut entirety

Dear Representative John Boehner

It was as a young teenager in high school that I started to fully realize that my country, whose values I had believed where lived out the fullest and whose great promise was extended to all, where not in fact extended to me, that in fact in the eyes of my own country I was and still am a second class citizen. It became crystal clear that in fact I was not and still am not party to full equality. As such the promises of what this great country was founded on, became clearly conditional in their execution even though they were supposed to be inalienable rights and everyone was supposed to be created equal under god, yet it was for the very way that god created me that I was not in the eyes of my own country created equal.

Yet I could look outside what was supposed to be the beacon of freedom and equality to other countries and see that there were other counties where I could live as a full citizen, where my rights to marriage where not conditional, where my rights to raise a family where not conditional, where I could find that person for me and live my life in full equality, where my rights would be the same as my brothers. Where just because of the person I love I would not be denied full marital equality under the law. Then in 2005 I could look just a scant 25 miles away and I could have the full marriage equality the I was being denied at home. It would be a lie to say that I have not thought, many times, about leavening this country that I love so much for Canada or one of the growing number of other countries with full marriage equality. One should never have to think of let alone leave the US to gain the equal human rights, when that is supposed to be the promise to all that live here and that come from all the far flung corners of the globe to live here. It becomes more painfully clear with every day and with every other country that blazes that now worn trail of marriage equality that second class citizenship is not only wrong and unacceptable but that it is something that can be changed.

I don't ask for much, what I do ask for is that I have the same rights to get married to the person that I love as my brother has, that I have the same legal rights and protections of marriage that he does, that my parents who want me to have equal rights get to see that achieved. I don't want any special rights, just the same rights that you have, the same rights my brother has and my parents have, it should not matter that I wish to marry another man, any more then skin color matters. All that should matter is that two loving adults want to unite as one and spend the rest of their lives together as they see fit. After all is that not one of the great promises of this country. It is such a great disappointment for what is supposed to be one of the greatest countries in the world to not be in the lead when it comes the this great issue of equality and human dignity and I truly do expect better from this country.

I call upon you to help put the wrong that is DOMA and all legal discrimination agents all Gay Bisexual and Transgendered couples into the history books as wrongs that have been corrected in this nation on our unceasing march to become the more perfect union, that our founding fathers so bravely envisioned, fought, and sacrificed so greatly create. Where discrimination under the law and inequality of rights of citizens is not and should never be tolerate. It is in the hopes of achieving the brilliant visions of this country that I write for you support and help, I ask that you not only stop defending DOMA in court, like the Department of Justice has, but that you take actions to overturn it in the house as well.

Open Responce To Gay Family Values

2011-05-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

I am writing this in response to a blog post by Bryan from Gay Family Values in the wake of a filmed beating at a McDonald's of an trans women, if you have not read Bryan's blog post I highly recommend that you do, as it is great as always. I am writing this as a blog post because I feel that I have to much that I wish to say as to my belief on a small part of the explanation to the questions that Bryan rises then could be rightly fit into a simple post in a comment section.

I would like to start off with the fact that I not only find it horrific that this beating happened in the first place, but that I personally can't phantom having that level of rage against any one, especially some one that I don't know and that has not committed some egregious travesty agents others. I also find it quite disheartening and incomprehendable peoples capacity to jump to racism conclusion and paint with racist brushes a whole group of others for the actions of two despicable young women, however these are not the issues that I wish to tackle, at least not at this time. I would like to look into the reason that I think the victim in this case is coming under fire and even being blamed for the horrifying violence that was committed against her. Unfortunately this sort of reaction has come to be no surprise to me even from within the LGB community it's self, and that is one of the saddest parts of this and many other crimes and injustices committed against the Trans community.

I think that this reaction unfortunately does not come as a surprise because it tends to come from the same school of thought that also throws those of the GLB community under the bus of ridicule and blame for the injustices that befall them for not fitting into the "proper" mold of how one must conduct their life, and even how the community must change the way in which it shows strength in its self. This to me seems to be routed in the idea that what is holding the community back from equality and what is causing those who wish to see our rights striped away is that we are not fitting as nicely as we should into societies narrowly constructed norms. This is the sentiment that pride is bad or any gay event is bad where those that participate don't fit into the narrowly constructed moral boxes of those that oppose us, while totally ignoring the fact that just about all of straight society and for the most part those throwing the narrow moral boxes at us don't even fit into them let alone actively fallow them. This becomes an even larger issue when we don't fit in to the stifling boxes of how the sexes should act and what their rolls are, this can be seen clearly in the sentiment that "flamboyant" and "feminine" gays are the ones that are causing damage to the image of the community and if only they wouldn't be so pesky and just behave and be more "straight acting" and "masculine" then we would have our rights. All of this regardless to the fact that said idealized behavior and rolls are quite often what does not come naturally to those who are being demonized for simply being themselves. It is also a logic that pays no regard to the fact that those who want to take our rights away don't care that others are not flamboyant or feminine they object to the fact that they simply exist as gay people and that they should have the same rights as non gay people.

It to me then comes as no surprise that when you colid that sort of logic that ignores the realities of the diversity of people to begin with, with a situation like this where the victim is trans and is attempting to simply live their life as the sex that they are not the sex that society wants to force on them because of their body, then you have the ultimate braking with what a good number say should be being done to gain equality. This would seem to be why even among the GLB there is a lack of support for the trans community, it is because as a community they are the most visibly braking with the rolls that others wish to ascribe them, and the rolls that many think should be taken for the greater good even if it's for the destructive worse for the individual. Then it becomes a surprising short mental trip from well they should not be doing that, to it's their fault they were harmed because they were doing that. It's no wonder that when there is a pressure not only outside the community to blend even when it means not being who you really are and from within that fighting the true issues of equality and standing behind those who suffer inequality can so often get thrown by the wayside.

I think what drives this on the deepest level is actually a form of sexism, and that is the idea that to be male and to be masculine is preferable over anything else, and this idea that still permeates straight society to a lessening degree seems to be even stronger within the gay community. It seems to be almost systematic the idea that to be a man is better than to be a woman, but not only that but to be a masculine man is the ideal the best and the goal to be strives for. It seems that to be male but to be effeminate and to have feminine qualities is to be clearly lesser of a man and something that is views as negative. So again a lack of even really empathy for those that are or where physically male but mentally female and that desire to, and live their lives as such seems to come as less of a surprise. I feel that as a community we need to realize that not only is sexism whether openly acknowledged or not, it is not going to get us to our goals of equality. That instant we need to work to stamp it out, as the very notion that women and men are fundamentally different and only suited for certain rolls props up some of the narrow boxes that are thrown at us by those who want to see us forced back in the closet (or worse) and it will only be with the popular demise of the boxes application to straight women (and straight men) that they will seas to be an effective tool against the LGBT.

I can't and don't pretend to know what it is like to be trans, and I don't pretend to represent these as the issues as someone that is trans would see them. I only clime that they are what I see as some of the issue that are causing the problem from my view as a not so masculine yet not so feminine gay man, who has felt himself thrown under the bus for being who I am by some of the prophets of this as I see it fundamentally flawed path to equality.

Is The Right Really On The Moral High Ground?

2011-04-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

This is a question that seems to me to be becoming and increasingly important part of the political landscape in the US, and it is a question that the answer should be clearly obvious to yet it seems that it is not nearly as clear to most as it seems to be to me. To me it would seem if you where looking for a group that where standing on the grounds of what is morally right and what is morally wrong, for the most part you could not get further from the truth unless you teamed up with the devil himself. For morality only seems to be used like one might use gold leaf to make a less the savory item seem to be far better then it actually is.

The right talks about morals when it comes to its stance on organized labor and the rights of the working man and social safety nets for the working man, yet the agendas they push seem to be far from what the moral stance would be, they fight to strip the working man of his rights to negotiate a fair contract with fair pay and fair benefits like health care, so that he can provide for himself and his family and take care of his and their health before they wind up seriously ill or worse dead from a preventable illness. They fight to dismantle the safety nets that help keep the downtrodden and those down on their luck from simply starving in the streets, in order to help those who are already abundantly well off them selves, I don't see how any truly moral person could see that as the right choice, to punish those already suffering for the suffering they are already enduring!! How is the moral choice to sacrifice the masses for the profits and continued excesses of a few the right moral choice, the right moral choice would be to protect the masses to ensure they they have the rights to fight for a fair living, and to be sure that when they do fall on hard times that they don't wind up starving to death on the streets, that instead they are provide a means of support so the the can care for them selves and get back on track. The moral thing would be to tell those that have prospered on the backs of the masses that need to contribute to insuring the protection and well being of those masses as well.

They rail against universal health care for all as if it is morally wrong to insure that all have fair access to good quality basic medical care, at an affordable price. Instead they insist that health care is a privilege and one that ought the masses ought to be grateful to have any granted to them by those few that can truly afford the absolute best. They feel that it is morally correct that many lives are needlessly lost each year do to the lack of access to affordable health care by the many while the few profit immensely from a system the is built on denying needed care to those that can even afford it when it comes time for them to need it. The real moral high ground is that of creating a system to provide universal health care to insure access to affordable good quality healthcare so that every one can get treatment for those things that aile them with out having to worry about loosing every thing. The moral stance would be fighting to create a system where people no longer needlessly die daily from treatable conditions because they could afford to get those conditions treated instead of waiting until it was to late. The moral ground would be saying that yes this may hurt profits for some but it benefits all, and that is why we must do it!

They claim to have the moral ground in the debate on LGBT rights yet if you listen to what they advocate and with an open hart look at those the persecution and what effects those persecutions have on their lives it becomes abundantly clear that denying the recognition and protections not only on state but the federal level of married to gay couples is morally reprehensible. To deny the same benefits and protection that you would give a Hollywood couple during their just for fun marriage or their up tenth marriage when one partner passes to a couple that has been together for more then 5 decades because that couple is gay is so morally corrupt it is not even funny. To claim that you are protecting marriage by excluding those that are in committed loving relationships from having access to the rights of civil marriages because they are gay, while actively truing a blind eye to the many sham marriages and divorces perpetrated by the couples who are straight is total immoral hypocrisy, as it only highlights even more clearly that it is not the actual institution you care about but instead keeping some of gods other creations from having their full rights because you don't want them too.

Yet many still insist that the right has the moral high ground, if this is the case then it would seem to me the idea of what is moral in this country has become extremely twisted, and that it will truly take divine miracles for the morally right actions to truly take place with mere men in charge. I

Asbestos Removal

2011-04-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

So I have promptly managed to brake my attempt to do a blog every day, in big part because silly me I forgot that I was going to have a lot of extra stuff going on as well as constant guest in my room as the upstairs has the Asbestos popcorn ceilings removed. Which involves removing everything from the upstairs into ether the garage or my room. And because our dog who is afraid of people and also very unhappy when it comes to change is going to have to stay in the house, I have gained him and my brother in my room, as well as my parents to help keep our dog as comfortable as possible. Luckily as long as things go as planed by 9am on Thursday we should be able to start moving back upstairs, thus giving me my room back.

Music Track To My Life

2011-04-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

For today's post I'm going to share some songs that I really like, that also fit really well as the music track to my life right now.

The first song is Lucky In Love by Sherrie Austin

It quite obviously fits as the musical track to my love life, which has been anything but well lucky.

The next songs are actually quite conflicting in their emotions but they are ones that show a clear picture of how I am emotionally.

Raise Your Glass by Pink

Fucking Perfect by Pink

Duck And Run by 3 Doors Down

Away From The Sun by 3 Doors Down

Numb by Lincoln Park

I know that its not a very wordy post today but I think that the songs can and do, do all the speaking.

Finding Out I'm The Other Guy, More Disastrous Dating

2011-04-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

I know it has been quite some time since I have posted, and on that note I am going to set for myself the goal of blogging something every day for the rest of the month. Fingers crossed I will accomplish this goal and get back in the habit of sharing with you my life and my views on the world that surrounds me. I have dropped out of the picture for a while in part because I allowed my self to get so overwhelmed with it that in order to reset and deal with it I had to totally drop away from everything that I could. In that time the second attempt at buying a place fell threw on some big nasty surprises turned up during the inspection, which is some what of a long story that I no longer want to get into as it is firmly the past and there is nothing I can do to change that.

How ever much more firmly routed in the future is another disastrous adventure for me in the world of dating, I really am beginning to think that my dating life is some sort of plot for a dating disaster book as this latest disaster is a dozy!! This one is also probably on of my shortest lived dating adventures as well, which in the long (heck even short run is definitely a good thing) OK to start from the beginning I met what seemed to be like a very nice guy online (any one noticing a theme here?) and we started talking and hitting things off nicely.

Of course threw due course of action we set up a date and I meet him for the first time and he seems to be an exceptionally great guy (don't they all, again seems to be a theme here) and we enjoy are time together on the date. well we go on a couple more dates and progress to fooling around with each other (but not quite all the way) and things seem to be heading in a great direction. Now flash forward to Tuesday, we have been on a few dates and done all that small talk stuff and basic sort of get to know you type things, so I being someone that like to learn about others and make deep connections try to well talk about things in a more in depth, deep personality type of way. Well every attempt at this gets pretty flatly shot down, so seeing as we seemed to be on the same page about what we where looking for I was like ok maybe we should talk about this.

I mention that I have noticed that every attempt I have made to have a more deep sharing conversation has been shot down, and am wondering if it is something they feel they need more time before they are comfortable with it, or if it the type of conversation that they really don't like to have, and mention that to me at some point is is they type of conversation that's important to me which is why I mention those sorts of things in my profile. So he says that he dose not want to have any such conversations that the he would rather have more restricted version of that much more related to physical aspects of the "the relationship, and would not object to the discussion of hobbies" to which I reply in a very measured sort of negotiating bridge building way that that's OK, but at some point things are going to have to progress to include the other aspects of what makes us tick as people as that's something that important to me when it comes to forming a full relationship.

So at this point is when the first shoe drops not so surprisingly and he says he things we are looking for two different types of things, and the he is looking for someone to have more "fun" with and less basically intimacy with. Not something that shocked me less so was the fact that he had still been chatting with others (as had I since it has not even be quite a full week and well there was nothing official about it) I was all like cool and we can certainly still be friends, as he has suggested, something that at the moment seemed good and like it would turn out well.

That is when the second shoe hit the floor, and he proceeded to say that not only head he still been chatting with others but that he had a partner as well and they they where simply out of town/state. Now this is when my blood started to boil, as he was getting quite a kick out of this, so the first thing I say is "oh so you have an open relationships" to which he replied "NO we don't" and since he dose not know it dose not matter. and then throws in I told you I was truthful, by now my blood is thoroughly boiling and if looks could kill he would not be breathing, and I snip when where you going to tell me this major detail. His reply was in an email when his partner got back home, at this point I channeled every ounce of self control I had not to knock his lights out. basically told him to go fuck him self and flew out of his place before I changed my mind on beating the shit out of him.

This of course has left me quite well unhappy with men in general, and even though I have been told and should know better feeling quite bad and upset with my self for being put in that position of being lied to and of being the other guy, the person that if things had goon better and as planed would have been the other person in the cheating equation. This is something that I am very upset about because it is a position that I never wanted to be in that I explicitly stated I never wanted to be a part of in my profile, and puts me of being in a potion of being part of something that I morally object to with every fiber of my being.

Not only that but I feel a fool and stupid for being played so well, and for falling for it hock line and sinker. I feel like an idiot for being the string puppet that danced and provided such obvious entertainment for the person pulling the strings, and doing so at the cost of me, and with no regard for me at all. I feel like a fool for not catching on and being so shocked and surprised when it came out, I wounder can I ever find someone that is not trying to use me to try to play me for an idiot. I wounder why I keep going so wrong.

Stressed, Worried, and Anxious, The Triple Threat

2011-03-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

Like the title says I am currently very stressed worried and anxious, to the extreme and for a number of compounding reasons, in which timing is not the best at all. First off I am not a great waiter and I tend to get inpatient and then anxious worried and panicky when I have to wait, especially when I am left waiting with out much if any control and nothing I can do to make things necessarily come out the way that I want them to come out.

So it dose not help that right now I am in that sort of situation when it comes to two distinctly different things and that both things in and of them selves can be, would be and are normally very stressful things to begin with. For one thing I'm in the middle of buying a condo, and am stuck waiting for the bank that owns it to send back all the papers with their signature on them so that I can officially be under contract and get the rest of the process moving and under way, so that the deal can close in time to meet the dead line of April 18th(the "bargaining" on the price is already taken care of) and that should hopefully be happening in the next couple of days, Well of course I'm also worried about the challenges that owning my own place will bring, as obviously I have never done so before and I don't care how much I think I know I never feel that I will know 100% of what I will need to and that there will be surprised. I know I can do it financially and that I will be fine but I am still stressed and worried about the financial aspect once I move in and have the mortgage and all the other bills to pay. I am stressed at the same time about the prospect of renting a spare room out and having a roommate who is someone that I used to work with, and having to come up with a fair price to charge and fair and agreeable ground rules for being able to share the place. I am also stressed about being able to get all that needs to be done to get this thing to closing in time to meet the closing date too. however this is not the stress that I'm having particular trouble with as I have managed to keep it to minimum.

What it is compounding and making worse as I know that my main stresser right now is totally messing my ability to concentrate and think and act clearly quickly and appropriately to what needs to be done with the home buying process, is that I'm very worried about the safety of a very good friend of mine and am anxiously waiting to hear from them so that I can know for sure that they are OK, and so far I have not heard from them at all. I'm stressed and anxious because I have been trying to get a hold of them threw email and facebook since Friday, and as of yet have not heard from them, and I don't really have any other way of getting in touch. so I am stuck waiting with absolutely no control over the situation hoping that I hear something from them soon so that I know that they are OK.

With In Reach, Yet So Far Away.

2011-02-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

So again I have been keeping an eye on what is out there in the way of places to buy and have started to shift back towards the idea of a condo especially with there being a selection in town that is with in grasp, yet it seems that as things come withing grasp other events threaten to pull them back out of grasp.

Surprise, but it should not be the wealthy elites that are running the country want to wind down the government programs that for over 50 years have successfully helped many many Americans take the step to owning their own property, and instead leave it all up to the private sector which got us into the mess that we are in now. In the process they are also actively willing and looking to throw many many Americans for whom the ability to fulfill the dream is with in reach not only under the bus but then back them over, all to the benefits of the wealthy banks as well as those wealthy enough to be able to buy up the land and properties to rent to their newly expanded underclasses. Ensuring that they never gain the momentum towards a level of financial security that they think will allow them to stand up against them.

From my view tho it makes me even more aggravated disgruntled and resentful of the direction that this country and the world. It makes me feel ever more that something has to be done to fix this that, something has to come to a head and that the common man the 90% who are being hurt by these policies, these politicians these captains of industry, that they will have to be shown that they can't keep pillaging from us, that we will not except an other economic recovery that only benefits them while the rest of us take yet another hit and sink further bellow the water line of their "rising ships" burdened by the weights they put on us. How much more of the dream and of your right to make a decent living and live a decent life do we have to have stolen from us before we do something about it? Because from where I stand it seems that is exactly what is happening, for all their BS talk about trying to invent class warfare, while they actively wadge it, I want to scream. I have been watching them at first slowly and sneakily take away little bits and prices of my modest dream, and now they have grown even bolder and are attempting to steal the whole kit and combodal from right in front of my face and think that I should stand by quietly like a good little servant! I think if there were to be a up rising an revolution against this new plutocracy, I most certainly now would take part in it, as they have all but taken the last shredded vestiges of ever being able to truly achieve my dream away.

I feel that it's not to much to ask that one should be able to afford a modest place to live and to call their own, especially when they put in an honest to god weeks work every week year in and year out, yet that is exactly what is being denied, the ability to have a modest place to call ones own. Instead we are to live in a place of the wealthy's while giving what little they share with us right back to them to never see again.

This is how I am feeling, and it is a feeling that is getting ever stronger as things go on.

It's Time For Labor To Take Back The Power.

2011-02-23T21:29:00.000-08:00

Seeing as there is already so much written out there about the Obama administrations decision for the DOJ to stop def fending the Protect Marriage Act, I feel no relay need to write about it. Instead I am going to write on another subject that is increasingly in the new more and more lately, and that is labor rights and the right to unionize and collectively bargain, a god given right that is increasingly under attack not only by corporations and their super wealthy leaders but by their own elected politicians them selves too, who are increasingly playing a part in doing everything they can do to bust up the unions as well as waging a war against the middle class in this country.

Of course the actions of the politician's comes as no surprise when you realize that many of them are in the pockets of the cooperation's them selves as well as many times more likely to be millionaires then the average citizen of this county, matter of fact that hey have a 1 in 2 chance of being a millionaire while the average citizen has a 1 in 22 chance. It should then come as no surprise that they then pander towards the interest of the wealthy and super wealthy who, over the last 3 decades have grabbed in increasingly disproportionately large piece of the pie when it comes to wealth in this country and economic gains. A piece so large that now the top 2% control 90% of all the wealth in the county, while the top 2 percent has seen its income after taxes sky rocket over the last 3 decades adjusted for inflation the bottom 90% has seen their income shrink adjusted. Instead they are when compared to what incomes would have been had the income division from the decade before 1979 stayed true, they are giving up income to the top 20% with the major share of it going to the top 2% wealthiest of Americans, who are also paying ever less in taxes. Yet they want more, and as part of their insatiable campaign to create a new royal ruling class made up of only the supper wealthy and created a new feudal system they need to destroy the unions that grew out of the working mans rise against such corporate feudalism around the turn of the last century.

They are trying everything they can to bust the unions, to take away the rights of the workers to negotiate for fair pay, fair compensation, fair benefits, safe working conditions and the right to make an honest living. They don't want unions because they take away their power to steal pay from their own workers, to work their workers in hazardous and dangerous conditions, because unions stand up for the interest of the working man and women which are exactly what the super wealthy don't want. It can be seen ins Wisconsin and many other states that want to curtail union contracts and even take away the rights of the workers to collectively bargain for such things as pay and benefits. You can see it in the corporations who are increasingly flaunting the law and firing workers for attempting to unionize or even simply mentioning unions at all. They are intimidating their workers when they do try to organize with threats, because they know that to corrupt politicians will not do a thing about it.

It is getting to be past high time that the American worker, stand up organize unite and tell the new plutocracy that we have been walked on smashed into the ground and been taken to the cleaners lone enough by them and that we will not take it any longer. That we demand a fair piece of the pie and that if they do not give it to us that we will come and take it from them by what ever means necessary. They have thwarted the will of the people for Long enough and it is time for them to pay for the ills that they have hoisted upon us. If they do not act soon to make up for the ills they have caused then they shale be rudely awaken when they are thrown out of power and their ill gotten gains are once again in the hands of the men and women that worked so hard for them, they will see what happens when you cross and screw over the working classes the vast majority of the people, and for them it will not be a pleasant or a pretty site, it will be a site reminiscent of the over throw of monarchs of centuries past, and these politicians and "captains of industry" are the new royal family, and lords. They should be quaking with fear behind their gated communities at the power that organized labor has, and they should fear that the actions they take now will only speed up the resurgence and strengthening of organized labor as a whole.

I will leave you with this one simple thought/statement, it is way past due for organized labor, (and labor in general) to take back power in this country, and it is only a matter of time until it dose. As always thank you for fallowin.

One Ending, Time For A New Beginning

2011-02-20T20:08:00.000-08:00

As some of my close friends, and coworkers know, the day before valentine's day was not exactly the best day it could have been, instead it marked one more time, in a string of times that one of my relationships had come to an end with me being dumped painfully out of the blue, leaving me emotionally destroyed like a ship smashed aground on the sharp rock of some sea side cliff. This being a territory that is not at all unknown to me as only on one occasion has a relationship of mine ended where I have not been dumped by the guy that I was seeing.

Now as much as I would like to pretend, being dumped especially so suddenly and unexpectedly is not nor has never been something easy for me to handle, and normally takes me quite some time to mend the broken pieces from. It especially dose not help when the person doing the dumping dose it in quite a painful way or as in this case one that hurts is a surprise and plays on and mater of fact uses an existing insecurity that came about with the demise of my very first relationship. In this case being going from things being all fine to all of a sudden no longer communicating with me and then in this case unfriending me on Facebook. This would still have hurt and been bad but what makes it all that much worse is that, I had trusted this guy and told him about said insecurity that I has worked on and that it had been caused when my very first boyfriend broke up with me by stopping taking my calls text, and emails and unfriending my on myspace. (yeah way back when that was the it social network) So definitely this dose not help my insecurity I feel when people I'm close to suddenly fall out of contact.

I am also once again left having had one door closed pondering what my next steps will be and which of the doors before me I should step threw. I have also been left with some seeds planted in my mind from some good friends that I should really take the time to be out of the dating scene to figure out why not only am I constantly winding up with relationships like this, as well as to figure out why I am getting hurt so badly when they end when in reality they are at points where I should be able to just pick my self up and dust my self off leaving me ready to keep up the search of the person that will treasure me like I treasure them.

I have also been left by one friend with the seed of a thought of, what is it that I seem to be missing in my life and my self right now that I am trying to fill when I allow my self to be pulled into relationships so quickly and deeply, and what is it that I have to do to fill this need my self, not only so that I don't jump into relationships that are not going to go any where but also so that I don't keep jumping into ones that are only going to hurt me any way.

It is at this cross roads that I am standing right now, unsure of exactly what the right path is, but still quite sure that it is the one that dose not involve dating for as long as it takes me to at least put these matters to rest in my mind, If not fully understand them and correct the under lying issues. I am still toying with buying the book "He Is Just Not That Into You" as one of my friends suggested, as it dose seem in hind sight that, that could be one of my recurring problems. I have also been thinking that maybe I should look into so more "gay" specific relationship advice, along with trying to figure out how to go about uncovering the issues that have me simply jumping at most any relationship where they guy shows affection towards me, as obviously that is not working out quite as well as would be hoped.

I know it has been a while since my last post, and I would like to say that I do value those that fallow my post as well as any comments and or feedback that you may have. have a good day, and I hope to be posting more here as I have a couple pet issues I fallow as well as I follow my path to my new beginning.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-09T22:56:00.001-08:00

Working retail of course i know that Valentine's day is going to be apon us sooner then we realize, which is why I have been thinking about it quite a bit lately. I have never been one of the holidays biggest fans, in part because I have almost always been single for it and in other part because it is such an over hyped spectacle.

Even though I'm in a relationship I'm still not jazzed that it's almost here, for one thing both of us work that day (as well as live an hour apart) which just about kills the day from the start. Then secondly is the outside presure that, that day must be the most over the top romantic day. Now don't get me wrong I like romantic, and I like being romantic, however forced romance is not something im good at or like. maybe I'm odd, but when I feel expected and presued to be romantic and show my love is when I find doing so to be hard and unpleasant. I find that when I'm preoccupied with having to be so, is when im actually less so, then even when making a little daily remark.

Not to mention that for me I find it hard to put my feeling down, on the spot in writing just because its whats expected. It's like without the right context and general atmosphere I'm left more trying to be true to the ideas of others then of my own. It's almost like because it's expected any gestures are less romantic on Valentine's day.

To me business have done to good a job makeing it commercial to the point that it no longer has any real meaning to it. I personaly would like to see it scaled back, back into something that has real meaning, but maybe thats just me.

Trying To Get In Shape

2011-01-26T00:52:00.000-08:00

Once again I am trying to get back on the wagon of trying to lose weight, something that I have not had much luck with for a while. So this time my goal is a more modest 10lbs for the whole year. This is something that I want to do for one thing to be healthier and closer to my healthy weight, as well as to improve my appearance. I am hoping that I will have better luck then any of the other times that I have tried in the recent past, I have set higher goals in the past but this time my goal is 185lbs (with my healthy weight being 165-170) and right now I am between 195-196. I have been around this wight for the last couple of years seemingly no matter how much effort I put in which has always caused me to get discouraged and give up in the past.

Weight has always been an issue for me, I was much heavier when I was in school, to the point that when I graduated high school I was up in the 250's range. I took me over a year and quite a bit of work and changes to get down to where I currently am. but once I got to this weight progress seems to have stalled and has been at a stand still ever since. So I am trying even harder to eat a more balanced and healthier diet as well as to become even more active. Which at times is proving to be a challenge, with one of the good aspects of my job being that I am able to manage to maintain my current wait with out a lot of extra work do to the physical aspect of my work, and the fact that no matter what I am just about always on my feet and moving around doing something every day when I'm there.

The challenge I have set for my self is to work my self into making even better choices about what I eat and how much of it I eat, as at times portion control has always been an issue for me. As well as recognizing negative behaviors and working to replace them or substitute them with positive ones, like going for a walk, cleaning or doing something physical when I'm feeling upset or board instead of eating. I am also working to include exercise of some kind into my daily schedule and routine and to make it something that I do and that I enjoy on a daily basis. I am not yet to a place where I am or would be comfortable going to a gym (and highly doubt I ever will be) so I am trying to work in doing at least one exercise tape a day and have found that I like moms old Richard Simmons ones, I know how gay could I get but I like the music it's fun keeps you pumped and the positive feed back to motivate is great and for me makes me want to do it.

How ever I am still trying to fine a good sort of strength building and toning routine that I can do at home to help me build my strength, as not only would I like to get in better shape I would like to get stronger too. That I have not yet quite figured out all the way yet.

I hope to threw these help to shape my body into something not only is healthier, better looking and more attractive, but something that I can be proud of and less insecure about, that I will have few faults that I can see and that I feel unhappy about. So that I can feel at home and comfortable in my body no matter what. I hope to make it to a point where I am not uncomfortable and ashamed to take my shirt off, and where I can once again even go swimming, as it has been a long time since I could do that due to the fact that I am totally uncomfortable having my shirt off when any one can see let a lone in public! I hope to keep you all informed with updates as I progress towards my goal and lose some of my extra wight and baggage along the way.

Insecurities

2011-01-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

I thought I would talk about this topic today as I know it is not something that is exclusive to me but it also seems to be something that no matter how much I try to work on and how many times I think I have dealt with them they always bubble up to the surface. Most dramatically when in the starting stages of a possible relationship. It seems that they come out of no where, from the murky depths where reason goes to die, and where rationality rules supreme, a place that is all but impossible to penetrate and thus the ultimate strong hold.

I would like to attempt to bring to light some of my insecurities not only in the hopes that some of you may be able to provide advice on them and how to deal with if not eradicate them, but also in the hopes that in doing so it will at least allow me to discover some of the basic workings behind them and possibly why I have them and such trouble with them. I will also be skipping over my insecurities about my physical looks as I have made them very clear in the past. But instead try and dive into some of my other insecurities that often enough cause me much frustration, unhappiness as well as even pose sabotaging threats to my abilities to be in a relationship at times.

I find my self constantly worrying that no matter what I am not good enough, that I am not good enough for my friends, that I am not good enough for my family, that I am not good enough at work, that I am not good enough for a significant other, that no matter what I am able to do that it is simply not enough to make me good enough for an of them. Of course it is more complicated then just good enough as good enough is the simple manifestation the spider web so to speak that is created by the complicated intertwining of all of my insecurities into one large generalization. Some of it based on loosely on facts, observations and a general knowledge of myself my strengths and my weakness but mostly based on the irrationality of my gut feelings that have little to no baring on the reality of any situation. This web is made up of many components sever strands of which are based on my physical appearance, and strength, which has been delved into deeper in other post, with the short story being that it is still a major hang up of mine. The rest are even deeper and seeming harder to overcome, as they also seem to be ones that are even harder to change let alone for me to actually let others in on to know about.

One of my big insecurity is that I am not smart enough, in very large part because I have not gone to college, and it has never seemed to be the path that I was meant to fallow. I always worry that I am not smart enough for others, that they will think that I am stupid and simple minded, and thus not worth being around or that I need to go back to school in order to be intelligent enough for me to be worth enough to actually spend their time on. I have never done that great over all in my schooling career, I have always struggled with a good chunk of the required classes and curriculum. For one thing I have never been that great with numbers and have been horribly bad when I comes to math, I have also never done that great at English, even though I can at times talk ones ear off, my spelling is atrocious. I have only ever done well in classes that not necessarily be creative but where the focus has been much less in conveying my knowledge and understanding simply threw essays and all but threw actually getting to talk and express my self verbally where I can for the most part actually explain my self in ways that others can understand. I know that a part of why I am not great at math or spelling is my tendency to constantly revers numbers and letters, as well as directions up to the point where at times where I even revers things as I say them. I have always felt that I am not smart enough for others as I have never been the grates student which seems to be the way in which intelligence is increasingly and overwhelmingly measured. I quite often feel inadequate when it comes to my level of intelligence and education especially when those that I am interacting with have a college education or are working on one.

This then also intertwines into my other insecurity and that is that I don't have enough of an education, and that one is that with out an college education in I don't know what I can't and have not found a path that leads me threw one to something I absolutely want to do and love doing. I constantly feel that my education is inadequate and not enough to cause me to prove interesting and worth while enough for those around me, for my friends and family, and most importantly for those of a romantic interest. That instead I will be and am some kind of shame and embarrassment, that I'm not truly worthy of their attention let alone any level of admiration in any way at all. I often fell that no matter how intelligent I may be that ultimately I am extremely ignorant and that I simply don't know it but that all those around me do and that they feel ashamed of me for it, which is something that I should and do feel ashamed about my self. I also feel a great deal of frustration as I can't find a path that leads me to such higher levels of formal education and on past to an educated persons carer as I have not found any such career that I passionately want to fallow.

I am then insecure about my job, which is actually something that I really like doing, but is something that seems only a fool or an idiot should like let alone want to continue doing any longer then they absolutely must. Yet I love my job in retail, I like going to work every day, I like getting to interact with all the customers, to always have something different happening and to always be doing different things, that no day is ever exactly the same as the last. That it is for the most part something that you can not be done in ones sleep as each day is so different.   I feel a fool and like an idiot because I like my job so much and that it seems to fit me so well that I don't really want to do something else, that it seems to be able to provide what it is that I want out of a job. It makes me feel a fool that I am not career oriented and that instead I would rather work what is considered a job, a job of little value and worth, which to me seems to mean that I am a fool of little value or worth.   I fell that there for I must be an disappointment of and ambition-less almost worse then worthless person in the eyes of family and others at large, especially those that seem so driven to pursue a career path, that I must seem like some useless weight that will never amount to much.

I also am insecure about my income, which I know is not considered horrible but in the same light is quite a bit less them many of those who have gotten a masters in this or that specified job description make or will make, I feel that I don't make an adequate income in the eyes of others to be worthy of their respect. Not only that, but that I will be seen as an economic anchor or drain a liability rather then an asset to them.   That I will be the black sheep, the one that makes peanuts at their job yet still loves it. I worry that I will be seen as some kind of leach, as trying to take advantage of others, when that is not what I want at all. I also feel shameful like I am some how not nearly as good and that I can't provide the kinds of things that some one would need or want, that instead I can only provide inferior things. I feel ashamed that I will not and can not provide, like I am less of a person less of a man because of it.

These are the strands that make up the spiders web of feeling that I'm not good enough, the threads that seem to be spun out of an unbreakable silk. That I simply and diminish but that I can't quite make go away, that are always left nagging in the corners of my mind, that I can't seem to dismiss or understand. I don't know where they come from or why they seemingly have so much power over, but they do. I can see all the more clearly how absurd they seem when put into writing yet I still simply can't dismiss them as such.

Back Again

2011-01-13T02:30:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I have posted anything, in part that has been simply because I have been so busy (yeah I know a lousy excuse) and another part has been that so many things have gone on that I have not felt like posting right away/ that I did not really want to get into at the time. I am going to totally skip over the current events in the news as every one knows what they are, instead I think I will do a quick update on what is going on with me and all that good jazz.

One of the big developments is that I am no longer actively in the market for a place to buy, as the unsuccessfulness of the previous attempt has caused me to take a step back and decide for one thing that I want to increase the amount I have saved to use towards a down payment, and that secondly I am no longer nearly as confident in the decision to buy. In part from a financial stand point unless something impossible where to come by and from anther perspective I'm less confident now then I was at the original outset of this project that the housing market, and the economy will actually continue to improve or improved significantly in the forcible long term. With the latest political and power upheaval I am significantly less confident that for some one in my shoes the picture will remain stable let alone get brighter economically. Maybe I am being to cynical or buying into the political mudslinging to much, but I am let feeling less then enthused to make such a big decision.

I am also on the same token even more willing to do and learn other positions at work that in the past I would have probably turned down/declined the request to do, like the fact that now in addition to being a backup price changer I am going to be training to be a backup auditor as well. In part because it is another thing to know how to do, but also because it make me more valuable to keep around where I currently am. But to me it also represents more skills that I posses if goodness forbid something where to happen and I needed to find another living quickly.

In good part the recent spats of uncertainty that I feel are going on and that I have encountered seem to be having the affect of making me even more conservative careful with my financial choices as well as my choices when it comes to employment. That I seem to be becoming even more risk avoidance, as well as stockpiling even more for the worst case scenario, that to an extent still needs to be countered out and balanced with a living and enjoying the hear and now as well.

Looking For A Place Again

2010-12-28T15:58:00.000-08:00

The adventure continues and back to square one, as after finally getting the selling banks addendum to the contract as their counter offer, which with the wording it had I was not to keen on to begin with I now for the first time has its name, so being me I did some digging on them. Unfortunately for the deal which nicely for me was and is under no contract, I am very unhappy with what I dug up and it has left me not wanting to deal with that particular bank, let alone touch any property they own with a ten foot poll.

One red flag was the sheer number of class action lawsuits that popped up against them for improper handling of foreclosure process and paper work. Which depending on what source you look at for the ramifications as some one possibly buy the property it opens up the door to the previous owner getting it back leaving you (me) standing in the cold with no recourse. Then even more bothersome in conjunction with the wording and the efforts of their addendum, was the fact that those that had bought/attempted to buy foreclosed property form them seem to have had largely the same problems of, them backing out of deals last minute and breaching contract but due to a clause they make you signer you are left with no recourse when they do so. As well as refusing to allow the types of access or get back to buyers with approval for access to property during inspection periods (that their addendum shortens and take protections out of) as well as refusing to turn on utilities like electricity water and gas, even in states where state law requires it to be on from inspection period to owner occupation for the owners inspection at any time!! That and their insistence on using their escrow company which from accounts is so incompetent it puts deals at risk and delays them. As well as the Bank it self being a delaying action, yet if closing dose not happen on their stated date the contract addendum they send set up a 2000 penalty plus 200 per day fee for it.

Between the wording of their addendum to the contract and the consumer reviews out there it seems that this bank is more interested in soaking and screwing the consumers involved in both ends of their business (as well as their investors) to such an end its amazing that they are still in business. Especially considering from what my research turned up the shear number of buyers agents that seem to be totally unwilling to even show/deal with a proeprty this company is asositated with!!

This ofcouse leaves me back at squer one of haveing to start my surch all over again, but I would rather be there then deeply screwed over as it seems a large number have been by the selling bank. So like my grate grandmother used to say things happen for a reasion and if it is ment to be it will be, and obviously this was not ment to be for a reasion.

Suburban Dream On Shaky Ground

2010-12-19T04:52:00.000-08:00

So my dream has again hit another patch of shaky ground speaking figuratively (as can be for the Pacific Northwest) as just two evenings ago it was discovered that there is an HOA in the tiny neighborhood of the house I'm interested in. To complicate things the contact people for it are only available for a half hour in the evening, and unfortunately the phone number provided to us (me and my real estate agent) by the listing agent dose not work. This only further complicated by the fact that for the most part the contacts availability window falls right during my work shifts, making it down right impossible to call them to obtain the information that I need even if I had a working phone number.

Unfortunately but not surprisingly, at least to any one that has goon threw the real estate game, this creates the potential to derail the whole deal and force me to walk away, for no short list of several reasons, top of which being cost of monthly dues (if applicable) and possibility of an assessment to pay for some kind of community work. creating the possibility to make the palace financially unaffordable, then their is the possibility of the association rules and regulations forbidding the kind of work or improvements that I might wish to make to the property or personal uses of the property. Not to mention that if I'm unable to get satisfactory documentation on the CC&R's as well as the financial health of the association that could also force me to have to walk away from the deal due to the unacceptable extra level of financial risk.

I personally am not to keen on the idea of being in a neighborhood with an HOA because really to never have I heard anything good about an HOA and on the contrary have almost always heard about how bad they are. Not to mention it makes it much easier for one to be forced out of their residence by ether excessive abusive enforcement of rules and abusive fining if members of the HOA decide they don't like you or want you in their neighborhood with out having to openly come out and say that and why. Something that I try not to let overly concern me but the thought still creeps into the back of my mind that it creates an much easier way for a war of homophobia to be fought against me if someone so chooses to do so.

For now I am stuck in another stressful place of having to prepare my self for the worst and for the possibility that I will have to walk away from this deal, and the house that I want, and to start all over from square on again. Yet at the same time hoping for the best but trying to not get to attached to the place. The other part is hard is that I know I do have an attachment and that I is very possible for that the could my best judgment, and I don't really have someone that this has no to little baring on that has a very good deep understanding of me that can give me some guiding advice.

Suburban Dreaming

2010-12-15T02:36:00.000-08:00

With the fact that I accepted the sellers counter offer today, I thought that I would post and share some of the myriad of thoughts that have been mixing and mingling in my mine of late. As those of you that have been fallowing along will know by now, the place that I am buying is in a little suburban development in an area outside of the city that I work and currently reside in, something that I am quite happy with at for me it is allowing my to buy into my own little piece of the suburban American dream, which for me is a standalone single family home on a quarter acer lot. Which for me is part of the essence of the american dream, and one of the big blocks that is part of building a life. Now as some of you may also know I have been wondering about if I will ever be able to build the other part of that life and that is a family of my own to fully fulfill my suburban American dream of a husband and kids.

It seems even if I where to forgo the ever so apparent marks against my looks with in the gay community, that already so few people especially those around my age want to live outside of a major urban center, let alone a suburban setting outside of a not major at all city. It seems that those my age would rather live in a hip loft in the center of all the clubbing action then to live in the peaceful suburbs where they can spread out and plant some roots of their own. I know that some are going to say that even though I was not born in the 50's that I must have taken two doses of the 50's as I talk about the way I want to live my life, and I can handle that, but to me it is the only way that I have ever really wanted to live it.To me the suburban life is the life I have always wanted to live, I have always wanted my own little piece of the pie where I can have some land an nice house and be able to spread out and plant some roots both figuratively and literally. To be able to enjoy the quite and privacy that is really only possible with suburban living, the perfect place to build a life and a family. To me there is nothing more in life that I would like more then to be able to come home to my own house, to be able to spend my free time doing home improvements to have a yard to work in and to be able to have BBQ's and little parties in, to be able to some day play ball with the kids, and throw the ball around for the dog in. To do all the big and little things that it takes to keep a home running.

Yet it seems that the other young people today, especially my age, and even more so gay people my age (including the press that loves covering their trends) want nothing to due with suburban life let alone some one that actively craves it and seeks it out as their desired way of living. They seem to all want to get away from that and even life in a smalish mid sized city in favor of the highly urban life of major metorpolitian citys like Seattle instead. That they would rather be in the middle of all the noise croweds, densitiy crime and action instead. Living in small partments and lofts cramed in like sardines with their nighbors, free to party and they seem to not want to ever forgo this life style. Unfortanitly it seems that this is a growing and more perment trend if one is to bealve what they read from the media whose epxperts all but seem to predict that this genration wants nothing and will want nothing to do with the suburban dream and suburban living but insted seek to live in the hart of the city, of the clubs and parties, in short in the hart of everything that is not me and that is totaly unnurtering and enviroment to raise a futuer family in, yet this is what the trend readers predict as the future and curant dissires for those of my generation. Even more wories some is that this prodicted trend seems to be holding even more true among the gay's of my genration.

I know that a good part of me hopes that this so called trend is all overblowen by overpayed futuercasters who realy have no clue what they are talking about, and that I am just personaly ahead of the curve and as I get older more guys my age will start to view the suburban life as a valuble and disirable way of life and start to therefore view my part of it as something good. I don't know if this is just bline hope fulled by the fact that I simply don't understand how so many can so easily turn their backs on what I have always so deeply wanted and the kind of life and for a kind of life and living that I simply can never imagen being a part of.

Is There Room For Someone Like Me?

2010-12-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

This is a question that I often ask my self, even more so these days as the prospect of home ownership comes ever more clearly into sight. I find my self wondering if indeed there is room for some one like me to find a loving and committed relationship (or even a relationship at all) with in the gay community, especially as I move ever forward with my plans to buy a house in the area where I have lived for the vast majority of my life and that I want to continue living and to build a life in. I as my self this question not only because of the area that I chose to live but also because of the way I look, I freely admit that I am no module and that I carry some extra pounds on me. I am often left with the clear impression that by the "gay" standard I might as well be a whores for that is how I find my self to be viewed. Then add to that that I don't live in nor desire to live in ether the "gay mecca" of Seattle or Vancouver B.C. and that instead I am trying to buy a place I love in an area that I like outside of the already gay geographically undesirable city of Bellingham (wa).

It seems at times that because I don't fit the gay mold of being a twinkie party boy that wants to live in the big city and go clubbing and partying out late every night, that instead would rather be spending time at home or with friends and family, that wants to settle down into a place of their own in a piece of the rural suburban dream I am to be cast to the side as someone that is untouchable, unlovable and undesirable as relationship material. That to have dreams and aspirations that don't center around pop culture, and wild clubbing I am to be an outcast. That seems to be compounded by the fact that I don't have a model perfect body, and that I never will, that instead I have a few extra pounds and that I'm for the most part perfectly happy with it that way. That I have values, beliefs and morals and causes important to me out side of just the tiny hand full of nationally important LGBT issues, seems to be a strike against me.

It often leaves me with the feeling that in order to find live my life in the ways that I value most and that I find to bring the most joy and completion to it, that I have to sacrifice and forgo the prospect of a relationship that will provide the complementation to fully complete it, as to do what would need to be done to find and insure that would mean having the relationship but forgoing the joy of living the life that I value in exchange for living one that I don't and instead feel terrible when I do. Its obvious that I have chosen to pursue the life that can provide me with the most joy and completion while forgoing to one that will ultimately improve my already slim chances of finding a relationship. Truthfully this dose make me jealous of those that have gotten to do both. Those who get to live the suburban/small city dream outside of the "gay mecca" (like the Depfox's from Gay Family Values) because that is what I want and what I have always wanted, but what by all measures looks like I will never get, no matter how much effort and time I put into trying too, as I will always be so many levels of undisirable.

Obama The Pairless Wounder!!

2010-12-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

Another example of why we so desperately needed Hilary instead of Obama, he has once again managed to play bend over backwords to please the republicans, with absolutely no guarantee that they will go threw on their part of the bergen and a road map of recent history that they will not. This time it is in extending the Bush tax cuts to the top 2% of Americans, a move that this country can ill afford to make, as well as lowering the inheritance tax for amounts over 1million dollars. All in the hopes that the republicans will indeed vote to extend unemployment benefits for another few months for the many Americans who are among the long term unemployed. All this not just immediately but the long term adding to the massively mounting deficit that increasingly threatens to drown our economy by the time it eventually makes a semblance of a recovery. All so that the republican leadership can adhere to their 30 year disproved theory of trickle down economics that even Regions economics guy has said dose not work as recently as this week on the Colbert Report! Yet we continue to steam down this path that the rich simply are not rich enough and that in order for their to be prosperity and jobs they must be allowed to pay way less then their fair share so that they can trickle it down to the rest of the economy, all in the face of irrefutable evidence that simply dose not work and that instead the money trickles up to the wealthy where it stays and dose not then trickle back down.

If trickle down economics did work then the percentage of wealth held by the top 2% in this country would not be on par with or more then the percentage that they held right before the economic crash of 1929 and the start of The Great Depression. Yet they do hold that much of the wealth, and as their ships continue to rise even in the face of this crippling recession the boats of the rest of the citizens of this country are luck to stay where they are if not to be taking on water or full capsized and sunk into poverty. The last 30 years of trickle down economics has been nothing but a very visible war on the middle class, as we went for a period where taxes where higher especially on the super wealthy, who even then still got to live like nuevo royalty, but it was a period where this country had the most robust middle class that it has ever seen! But since the theory of trickle down economics has taken on the allor of the holy grail the earning power of the middle class American family has frozen and in many cases decreased, leaving no wonder that so many took to easy credit to make up for the difference. Not to mention the rate of people falling from the middle class into poverty has dramatically increased, we went from a war on poverty in the 60's to a war on the middle class in the 80's that has lead to the gutting of much of the middle class and creating a situation where many in the middle class are one little hiccups away from falling into being the working poor, those that have employment yet still fall below the poverty line. Yet our fearless republican party tells us that we must not institute policy that help the vast majority of americans the middle class and the working poor, that we must instead shoulder the burden of giving to the very top crust for they simply don't have enough already and once they do and their boat has sufficiently risen they will bring ours up too.

To me this is one of the most absurd and obscene things that can be said, that we the working classes must subjugate our selves and whats in our best interest ultimate that of our country to those who are already economically at the top, No what we need to do is stand together and demand that those at the top start to pay their fare share and that they start to shoulder their fair burden of paying for the services that it takes to run this county and that they have exploited to make their fortunes. Because if it was not for the things that the taxes pay for this country to support they would not have made such a fortune and they would not be so nearly well off as they are, and it is about time that they pay for the previews they have of using the spoils of this country.

Yet Obama has all but bent over backwards to insure that the obscenely wealthy do not have to shoulder a fair share of the burden, but that instead they get to shoulder and obscenely miniscule part of it instead. He has yet again bowed down at the feet of these obscenely wealthy people and offered up the middle and poor classes as a sacrifice to the hopes of their liking, and in all likelihood the sacrifice will be taken but again the little asked for in return will be all but denied. This makes me really regret that Hillary was not instead elected because at leas she has a pair and could and would at least stand up and fight against the interest of the obscenely wealthy for those of the common majority, instead of abandoning the party in their fight to do whats right. I don't think the republicans are going to have to try to hard to make Obama a one term president, he is doing a very great job of that himself, our only real hope is that he ether grows a pair some time in the next two years, or that in 2012 Hillary runs and we can put some one with a real pair and backbone in office instead of the pairless jellyfish that we curently have.

To Political Or Not To Political, That Is The Question

2010-12-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

So for those of you that don't know and that would be all of you, I was trying to set up a coffee date with a charming guy that I had met online (names and descriptions left out to protect the innocent) well amongst simple conversation of what he was up to he mentioned he was at Walmart shopping. Now is time for every one to look at me like a two headed alien, to which I simply said I have not set foot in one in years they have very anti union practices, and I'm a proud and supportive union member. (UFCW) apparently something that in his book was a totally wrong and very bad thing to be, as he proceeded to say that was not good because unions are bad, and he did not give a damn about them. No giant insurmountable deal, not ideal but not a show stop I thought, as I basically said as long as you don't bash mine we are fine. Again apparently not good as he did not like unions at all, he did not like hearing about them, nor when people liked them. after all he only cared about one issue DADT, to which I replied "good I care about that too, along with marriage equality, labor justice and rights, social equality and justice, along with human rights/equality, immigration etc" which was apparently very bad and to political, and we could just never ever work out because of that.

Now this is the first time I have ever been told I was to political, and personally I think I'm not that much more horribly political then the average Pacific Northwest resident, not to mention I resisted the urge to tell him good luck finding some one that is not in a union or dose not care about/hates unions in the PNW as in particular WA has one of the highest percentages of union workforces in the country as well as support. Not to mention since when did caring about issue the effect not only my life but the lives of many other people across the country and in some cases around the world, as well as the direction that the country is headed become a bad thing? It's like willful ignorance, and willful disinterest in the world around you and the direction ones own country and the world are going that the things that need to be done to correct it are some how a golden value, to me that brings to mind the people who don't bother to vote and are willfully uninvolved in the world around them and in making the decisions that shape that would, yet they then complain about certain narrow aspects of it. To me this sort of willful disinterest seems like the far worse thing, as personally I can't stand people that don't vote (I am of the opinion if you did not vote you forfeit your right to complain at all about the world around you) just slightly more then those that do but stay willfully incurious and uninformed about the decisions they are making because they "don't like politics".

To me to not be interested and to not care about such things is akin to being a mindless drown that simply lets others do the thinking for them and is content letting others decided what is best and what is not best for them with out even taking a moment out of their day to determent that many of those others they are content to hand the decision making powers over to, at best have no interest in whats best for them and at worst are and will actively seek to make decisions that are what is worst for them. That if they don't educate them selves and become active participants them selves then how can they expect to live in a world that is better? It's like living in a neighborhood that is starting to go down hill, not caring to be interested in why it is starting to go down hill, what is causing the problems, what can be done and needs to be done to fix those problems, and not actively wanting to seek out those answers know what they are and actively work on them, but to then only care about your property value. To do so is totally non logical because your property value is as much tied to your individual property as it is to the condition of the neighborhood as a whole, and how can you improve it if you are willing to sit on the sidelines and let the neighborhood that surrounds it and impacts it slip down the gutter? Short answer is you can't and to think you can is pure foolishness.

Maybe I'm off base on this but I don't think I am. Maybe it means that I will not be successful at dating and finding someone to share my life with but I don't think so, what it dose mean is that while so many people talk about having a passion for their life they seem to be willing to sit at the back of the bus, and allow others to drive them whether it is where they want to go or not with out even putting forth effort to change it, and I am not. Thanks one again for fallowing along on the twisting path that is my life, and feel free to comment I always enjoy reading what you have to say.

Just An Quck Update

2010-12-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

I have been busy with work and other things in life, I have not heard back on the house yet, hopefully some time soon.
I should also have some time tomorrow to sit down and do a more in depth blog and get everything brought back up. As always thanks to my followers.

House Hunt is under way!

2010-11-16T22:26:00.000-08:00

I know it have been a while since my last post, but as one can probably predict I have been busy between work, the upcoming holidays and the fact that I am now actively hunting for houses. Well yesterday I got to see two ones that I had been interested in from the outside and from their listings, which allowed one of them to be quite quickly after a good look threw be dropped right off the the contenders list. While I expanded my search area and exclude one previously included area, with some new knowledge including commute time.

So Thursday after I get off work, I am again meeting with my realtor, and should be seeing some other listings that I am interested in, and possibly finding some more to added to the list of possibilities. So for the moment I am still in the process of finding the right property, at the right price in the the right area. But I am still quite optimistic and excited to see more of what is out there. I hope to find some more time to further update you all soon. Till then thank you for your patience and for fallowing along with me.

I Got Approved!!

2010-11-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

So today when I called the Credit Union to check in on the progress of my application like they had said to do, I got the good news, I am approved! So now I can get an agent and start rooting that home out! I am very excited, and have already contact my first choice of real estate agent to see if they are interested in taking on the task of helping me. Although I do have a little chunk of properties I'm already interested in that I have been checking out online. I am hoping to be home shopping here pretty soon!

I have told my mom brother and grandparents already and they are all excited for me, as well as my friends and coworkers. I still have not told dad quite yet but I will tell him when the time is appropriate. That and this makes a X Mas list easy (as my parents have been asking for ideas) because now I can say stuff for a house!!

I will keep you all informed as things continue to progress!

I Find Out On Thrusday!

2010-11-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

So I called the bank (Credit Union) today, and was told by the loan officer dealing with my application that the bank was ready to approve me for 100K and that all they need is to have the mortgage insurance company sign off on that.
So I had to get them a "salary key code" which I did, and by Thursday afternoon I should know if I get the loan or not! Things are looking good so I'm excited and have all my fingers and toes crossed! (makes it hard to type lol) I am so hopeful especially seeing as I already have some properties that fall well with in that range that I am interested in looking at! Thank you for fallowing along and I definitely appreciate good wishes!!

Start That Wedding Planing With Your Sofa!!

2010-10-27T18:31:00.000-07:00

Some can already picture the day that you and your beloved sofa walk down the isle to commit your selves to each other for the rest of your life. Well by some I mean candidate of Wisconsin lieutenant governor Rebecca kleefisch, who in a recent debate said that gay marriage in the state would lead to people marring inanimate objects like "this table or you know this chair" which even for the slippery slop crowed is a new level of crazy. I mean now not only do at least some of these folks think that gay marriage will lead straight couples to commit adultery, turn our schools into gay wedding boot camps but that now it will lead to people taking a romantic fancy to their sofas and coffee tables and marring them.

I mean I know how hard it can be to resist those freshly polished legs of your dinning table that seem to go on forever simply blending into it's sexy... sorry I forgot what I was talking about there for a minute just thinking of the romantic possibilities of my dinning set. I hope that this proves to be a political tipping point that undoes her campaign as it forces people to realize how utterly absurd and destructive this kind of thinking is not only to the gay community but to the ability of us as a country to have an intelligent civilized debate on these issues, as it is impossible to do so when you are boiling down the basic human rights of a whole group of people to the absurdity of forming legal (and social) contracts with inanimate objects. In the process of doing so instead of allowing for a true debate on the subject they have instead turned it into a debate of little sound bites that have little if anything to do with the actual issue, but instead create an polarized environment where logic is wholly unwelcome and when it dose make an appearance is totally drown out and ignored in favor of the absurdities of sound bite political debate.

It is ever clear that not only as citizens do when need to return to the table of rational debate and the ability to disagree with each other in a civilized manner, but that we need to hold our news media to the same standard. As citizens we need to make it clear that simply having two sound bit spitting extremes from both sides of an issue "debate" by trying to out shoat absurdities over each other is not actual balanced coverage of an issue. Instead what we need is for them to bring on more moderate at least rational people from each side and allow them to politely debate each other, along with the press doing some digging into the issue and the assertions of each side and the actuality of each sides assertions. Then they need to take those findings and present them to the public, it is then up to the public to draw their own conclusion, but they need to at least be provided with the information they need to draw one as well as to be able to see threw the talking points sound bites BS that both sides of an issue tend to spew. The media needs to be less of an airing board for political divides and instead be an airing board for facts and truth.

Until we get to the point where the press once again starts reporting and actually doing its job, and the citizens say they are fed up with only the loudest of the bunch getting heard we will continue down a road where the debate on each issue degrades into the most extreme and absurd statements from each side being the majority foundation on which decisions that will effect the lives of many are made on, and that is something that all Americans should be worried about.